repressed memories
Why you are full of pain, anger and rage, is because your parents made you feel these emotions and feelings and didn’t allow you to express them.
Repressed memories?
There seems to be a lot of interest and discussion about whether or not we repress memories, and if we do, can they be remembered true to how we experienced them or do we ‘change’ them, invent them depending on our beliefs and needs. Do we block out and then keep repressed bad traumatic memories, and can we recall them through natural processes of our own mind or with the help of psychotherapy. From what I have found through the healing of my childhood repression by doing my soul- and feeling-healing, is that if I can’t remember clearly a memory from my past, then when my repressed stuff surfaces it comes up with only a vague memory of the event. However what does come up, clear as a bell, are my repressed bad feelings associated with the past experience. And it’s through these feelings that I can ‘remember’ and know that what I am remembering is true. In doing our childhood repression healing it is always the feelings that are important and the key, not so much as to whether or not we remember the 'picture' exactly or even vaguely as to what went on in our past. What I do know, as I’ve experienced such things now countless times, is that all the bad feelings I experienced as a child and wasn’t allowed to express have become repressed in me. There is no doubt about this. Throughout my healing years I have uncovered thousands of repressed feelings. Every day my healing sheds more light on how it was for me back during different times of my forming years, and every day more bad feelings surface which I use to uncover the truth of what really went on. And as the truth comes so too does the awareness of why I felt bad so long ago, what happened to me, how I was treated, how I was made to feel, and all I felt. And then I can 'remember'. Often my bad feelings, as I express them seeking the truth of them, have led me back deep into myself connecting with how I felt in the past, and although a picture memory hasn’t surfaced, clearly spoken words to me by my parents and grandparents have come back into my mind; and so clearly it’s as though I am back there with them. And at other times a sense or impression of what happened to me has come through my feelings, such things as what happened to me at conception and then in the womb and later as an baby and very young child, what was going on within my mother, how was she relating to me, was I feeling loved or unloved. And as such awareness has returned it has helped me remember other things from my conception right the way through to puberty. But mostly it’s been those memories I do have that keep getting ‘milked’ revealing ever more insights and understanding from them. At times also my feelings have led me to parts within myself where I simply can’t go any further and yet still questions remain as to how was I treated. And at these boundaries, I feel that were I to take the step and start to assume things, to extrapolate, to conjecture, to even think maybe this or that happened, then I am moving away from my feelings and into the realm of my mind in which anything is possible. I can sense that were I to cross that line I could make myself believe anything should I want to, but in doing so, I would then become untrue to the feelings I was feeling. The boundary is very distinctive, and were I to cross it, then I would be indulging in false memory syndrome, making up memories to suit my needs, the needs of my self-denying mind. The beauty of doing my healing through my feelings is that my feelings remain true, I can’t contrive them, they are the only part of me that is real. Certainly my mind can interfere causing me to wrongly interpret what I am feeling, giving rise to the feeling and belief that I can contrive certain feelings, but once I have stripped away and brought to light such interfering parts of my mind, this too being done by honouring my bad feelings, then all my feelings I know to be true, and there is no doubt as to what they are showing me. And as the truth comes, I simply know it to be true - I FEEL IT. I don’t understand how it works, however I know as I have experienced, that we have the ability to go back into our early childhood, all through our feelings, and understand EVERYTHING that happened to us, good and bad. And by what I mean by everything is that everything our soul and God wants us to see. We don’t have to understand all the details as such, join all the dots, we only have to see the truth. We have to see the whole picture of our negative, evil and unloving state so we can fully relate to it, knowing why we feel so bad. And we don’t have any idea as to what that truth is we need to see. Often, this happening more lately as I’m far more aware now of my whole unloving state, I will be heading off down a track in which I think I have some idea of where it’s leading. I am expressing my feelings and longing to uncover the truth, and then suddenly I will see a few things, gain some insight and new awareness, but still think there is more to come, and yet my feeling bad just stops, as obviously I’ve seen what my soul intended for me to see. And then it’s onto the next lot of feelings and going down another track. We repress many bad childhood feelings because so much of our early life made us feel bad. Many people look for the really bad stuff, being sexually abused or suffering some other kind of intense personal trauma, however it’s become clear to me that to feel rejected for one moment, to feel unloved for one second, to be made to feel powerless by those people who should care about you never making you feel bad, is highly traumatic. And because it is, we bury the whole lot. We bury and repress every bad feeling experience if we weren’t allowed to express the bad feelings as we felt them gaining love and sympathy to make us feel better. And everyone one of these ‘small’ experiences is still happening within us, still making us feel bad because the experience is still unfinished, we are still waiting and longing to feel loved back into feeling good about ourselves. And though our healing by honouring, accepting and expressing our bad feelings, our feelings of feeling unloved, we are loving ourselves back to feel good, doing for ourselves what our parents should have done for us. So we are full of repressed bad-feeling-memories, which really are the bad feelings themselves waiting to come out, waiting to be acknowledged, accepted and made to feel welcome, wanted and loved. Which is of course ourselves. We, parts of us, are still hidden away waiting for our parents to come and love, to make us feel good again. However as they can’t come and fix the damage they have done, so we have to look to ourselves to become something of our own ‘parents’, to love ourselves, to want ourselves, to accept ourselves, this being what we do as we accept all of our feelings. To try and use your mind to look back into your past to explain why you feel so bad and what is affecting your life from your early childhood is fraught with danger as you’ll easily make things up for yourself about yourself. So it’s vital that you ONLY use your feelings, keeping your mind out of it. And by doing so you will bring up in you all the feeling-memories you will need, and do so when it’s the right time to feel/see them, so as to find the truth of what is really going on within you. Things such as hypnosis can be useful but I would not suggest placing to heavily a reliance on such methodologies. The only way that truly will work for you is through your feelings, through your ongoing acceptance of your bad feelings, your speaking about them to someone who cares about you, and your continual longing to uncover their truth. In the end it all comes back to what you feel, and only you can know what you feel by feeling it. And so if you don’t allow yourself to feel ALL of your feelings you will never truly know yourself - what you feel about things, who you are, what you FEEL. Your feelings are the way to the truth, NOT your mind. Beware of methods, spiritualities, religions, therapies and therapists and even your friends who place too much reliance on the mind to solve your problems. Using your mind this way will only keep you in your negative mind condition. If you can live true to your feelings, then you will stop being tangled up in and led astray by your minds beliefs, erroneous beliefs that were installed in you through your forming years. We have all been made to live untrue to ourselves, meaning we’ve made our mind take over from our feelings. We live by thinking and not by feeling. And those people who do feel don’t feel seeking the truth of their feelings, so stay helplessly lost in the confusion of such feelings all mixed up with their misguided and incorrect beliefs. To live true to ourselves we have to come back to living true to our feelings. And to achieve this will mean healing your childhood repression and liberating every one of those terrible feelings you felt as a young child but were forced to dismiss and keep hidden away. And as you will find whilst doing your feeling-healing, that although you are using feelings you feel now in your adult life to take you back into 'forgotten' feelings of your past, in fact there is no time, what you felt then you are still feeling now, and what you feel now is what you felt then. And this feeling-continuity means that there is on some level of reality no past, present or future, that there is in fact only the eternal NOW. So from this point of view there is no need for memories as nothing is lost, nothing is forgotten, it’s all still happening now. And because of this we can ‘go back’ and change what happened to us, so by the time we have finished our childhood repression healing we’ll feel as if we have been in some way born anew, as if we’ve always had a positive mind and will growing up feeling totally loved. And that will be something to experience! |
Is it that we can love someone a certain amount, say 5% or 20%, we love some things about them and hate others. Does love have to be 100% to be true and pure?
I think the best one can do for a child is not punish it - reject it, when it feels bad. Be sympathetic to it, be with it in its bad feelings, and never stop it from feeling bad if that’s what it feels. And never tell it off for feeling bad. Of course it’s the same with good feelings as a lot of people don’t tolerate them either. Never stop a child expressing any feeling. Never make it feel bad about its feelings. Never say: stop crying, cut all that out, we won’t have any more of that thank you - Stop it!
Some people believe feeling your feelings and expressing them is being self-centred and selfish, and yet that’s what we’re meant to be. Not feeling them and not expressing them is being selfish, and self-centred in an unloving way. It’s not freely giving of yourself.
In our culture really we don’t give a shit about our children, they’re rubbish that gets in the way. We can go on and on about how much we love them and how much we put them first, but as soon as something better comes along, such as ‘the man’ the children are very quickly put aside. Or as soon as they do something we don’t like - misbehave, we’re into them telling them off. Our culture is meaningless because it’s not based solely around putting our children first.
Our whole negative state is one huge compulsion, we’re hopelessly tapped in it. And trying to heal it...
It’s so horrible being conditioned to having to be stable, and that’s all that’s acceptable, not being emotional and up and down. That there is something wrong with you if ‘you’re like that’. And so being angry with yourself when you feel unstable and all emotional, confused and out of sorts is wrong and frowned upon.
The child blames itself. And so often no one bothers to tell it that it’s not to blame. And it understands it is to blame, that all the bad stuff that’s happening to it and all around it is its fault. It sees it’s the cause of everything in its world when it’s forming, through all that’s said and unsaid, through the actions of everyone in its environment.
We can’t help it, it’s not our fault - it’s no one’s fault, we’re all the same, all fucked up children. Parents are only bigger fucked up children pretending they’re all right. But we don’t have a clue about love and so parenting lovingly, because we weren’t parented lovingly.
Being a parent is the most important thing, everything else in life is secondary; rather than how we live it, that being, the other way around.
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Feeling acceptance and expression is the only way to get to the root of what’s going on within you.