I hate myself
I hate...
I hate...
Mostly we’re not allowed to say we hate. And particularly saying we hate ourselves. I hate myself, the greatest no, no. ‘I hate my hair.’ ‘No, it looks good today, I love the colour of it, it really suits you.’ We can’t say we hate ourselves. ‘I’m a horrible person.’ ‘No you’re not, you’re ...’ ‘I’m a failure, I can’t do anything, I hate how I am.’ ‘No you’re not, you’re good at..., you’ve got lots to offer...’ We are not allowed to be as we feel we are. And by not allowing us, the other person is in fact affirming that we are horrible, that they don’t like us how we are, just as we’re feeling about ourselves. They aren’t accepting us, sympathising with us, and allowing us to say whatever we feel about ourselves. They are making us change, saying I don’t accept or like you how you are, you have to be how I want you to be, I know better than you, you’re wrong about yourself, you don’t know, you’re the idiot, I know, and I know what’s best for you. It’s exactly what our parents did to us, saying no, we don’t like you as you are, you have to change, which is of course why you grow up saying and believing you hate yourself, all because they hated you as you were. In our evil unloving and so self-hating, and hating of everything and everyone state, it is right that we should be able to feel and allow ourselves to feel how much we hate, and how much we hate ourselves, and how much we hate being made to hate ourselves. Evil is not to be liked, it’s not good when you’re in it and suffering under its domination, so it’s right that we hate it and not love it. By saying you are good, good in your evilness, then you are saying that being in your unloved and unloving state is right, but it’s not. We’ve got it all around the wrong way. We believe we’re doing the right thing, we believe we’re being nice and helping the person to change the way they feel about themselves. So we say, no you’re good, and you’re wrong how you feel about yourself if you say something negative or bad about yourself. Evil takes you away from the truth, away from yourself, so away from what you’re feeling. So it tells you, no you’re wrong, you don’t feel that way, which then makes it all very confusing especially when you’re a growing child. When your feelings are telling you one thing, and they are right and true, and yet your parents are telling you they are wrong, what do you do. And what can you do, but go the way of your parents siding with them against yourself. So you end up feeling you hate yourself and how you are, but then no one allows you to feel that way, and mostly neither do you yourself. And you do all sorts of things to stop yourself feeling bad about yourself, but the truth is, you do, as that’s how you are feeling, and if you weren’t, you’d not be feeling that way. In doing our Feeling-Healing, as we’re setting out to uncover and so see and thereby fully accept the whole truth of ourselves, it’s right that we get worked back to fully accepting our negative state. And this means, so we can fully accept and express the whole truth of how bad we feel; how much we hate ourselves, God, everyone else, everything, and how much we hate being made to be as we are. And it takes some doing to allow yourself to fully feel how horrible you believe you are. |
We do all we can and with all our will to bury our bad, yuk feelings; then we have to do all we can with our will to bring them all back out so we can see the truth of them.
We are trained and taught to hate ourselves, we don’t just choose to do it believing it would be a fun thing to do. If you have one negative thing you think and feel about yourself, it’s in you because you’ve been made to feel that way when you were young. The child, and now you the child-adult, does not make such bad feelings up for the fun of it.
You were abused when you were weak, you couldn’t help it, you were a child. So now as an adult you have to be strong and never be weak again. However by being no longer the victim and turning into the abuser you are continuing to do to yourself what was done to you. If you can stay weak you won’t become as they are, and neither will you leave yourself, remaining true. So do you want to be the victim or the perpetrator?
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I hate myself.
I’m horrible.
I’m a yuk person.
I’m vile.
I’m evil.
I’m putrid.
Don’t come near me.
You’ll hate me as there is nothing to like about me.
I’m a rotten to the core monster.
I’m the devil, the worst of the worst, I’m the antichrist.
I’m a miserable, fucked up, despicable person.
I’m perverted.
I’m all you should hate: I’m ugly, vile, slime and should be put down a hole, flushed down the toilet.
I should be killed, cease to be, stopped from polluting the planet - get rid of me!
I’m negative, depressed, miserable, a good-for-nothing, a hopeless case, a failure, a lost cause, throw me in the bin and get rid of me.
I hate myself.
I wish I could kill myself, I wish I could cut myself into a million peices, I wish I could smash myself. I wish I could get rid of myself, I wish I would die, I wish I would be annihilated.
I smell, I’m too fat, too thin, wrong colour, too stooped, too ugly, revolting, repulsive, you should be ashamed of me, you should not come near me, you should reject me, you should shit all over me, it’s what I deserve.
I am unlovable, go away and leave me alone, I’m not worthy of your respect, kindness or love.
I hate myself.
Bring it all out.
I’m horrible.
I’m a yuk person.
I’m vile.
I’m evil.
I’m putrid.
Don’t come near me.
You’ll hate me as there is nothing to like about me.
I’m a rotten to the core monster.
I’m the devil, the worst of the worst, I’m the antichrist.
I’m a miserable, fucked up, despicable person.
I’m perverted.
I’m all you should hate: I’m ugly, vile, slime and should be put down a hole, flushed down the toilet.
I should be killed, cease to be, stopped from polluting the planet - get rid of me!
I’m negative, depressed, miserable, a good-for-nothing, a hopeless case, a failure, a lost cause, throw me in the bin and get rid of me.
I hate myself.
I wish I could kill myself, I wish I could cut myself into a million peices, I wish I could smash myself. I wish I could get rid of myself, I wish I would die, I wish I would be annihilated.
I smell, I’m too fat, too thin, wrong colour, too stooped, too ugly, revolting, repulsive, you should be ashamed of me, you should not come near me, you should reject me, you should shit all over me, it’s what I deserve.
I am unlovable, go away and leave me alone, I’m not worthy of your respect, kindness or love.
I hate myself.
Bring it all out.
And what happens to those people who feel good about themselves; what happens to those good feelings as they progress in their feeling-healing seeking the truth of those parts of themselves they feel bad about and which make them feel bad? Are those good parts stripped away as one moves to live truer to ones evilness, or do they remain as they are truly good. I don’t know. I’m waiting to see as people do their healing. All my so-called good feelings about myself and my life have gone, leaving me seeing how I’d contrived them based on what my parents said to me. But my family life and my relationship with my parents wasn’t loving, the veneer of feeling we loved each other from my side of things (as I can’t speak for my brother and sister or my parents) being very thin at best. I’m not able to claim like so many people can that Marion and I read about, that they love and feel a great love for their parents. And of course I have no way of knowing if such love is real and true. So from my subjective perspective, this is how I’m offering my writing, for people to consider and see if there is any relevance they can apply to themselves.
I do however understand, that our feeling-healing will take us right back to fully accepting all the worst parts of ourselves and our worst feelings we have about ourselves, and we have to bring all those horrible feelings out, and be allowed to bring them out. And we have to come to understand the truth of why we are the way we are, and why we feel about ourselves as we do, the truth all coming from our relationship with our parents, seeing how they treated us. And by fully accepting the most rotten horrible yuk parts of ourselves we’re accepting our evilness fully, that which is the whole aim of our feeling-healing. It’s to accept that we are the evil person we are, but not to go out being it, just to accept we are it, and to uncover the truth of how we came to be that way. We are to feel all the bad feelings that we are, to fully accept them, and nothing more. And as for how we then change out of being in our vile evil yuk state and person we are, into one free of it, one of love and only good feelings about ourselves, everyone else and God, I don’t as yet know, as I’m not there yet. But I sure am looking forward to experiencing what happens. And I’m also keeping in mind that nothing might happen, or nothing how I imagine it might be like. I might even have to go on being the horrible yuk person loathing myself forever... but I hope not. I do hope love prevails. |
All the great parental love, so many strong loving feelings for the child - yet the child is still overlooked and not put first. So much for the love.
The fact that there are so many gay people is an obvious testament to unloving parenting. The unobvious testament is to be found with heterosexuals.
Do you feed your baby when it shows or tells you its hungry; or, do you also have to control this part of its life too.
Who cares if it’s love within the negative, it’s still love... isn’t it?
Weakness is good;
love your weakness. |
We are trying to love in a no truth world.