more on healing CR
Why things don’t go as you want them to go in life,
is because your parents didn’t allow you to live life how you wanted to live during your early life.
is because your parents didn’t allow you to live life how you wanted to live during your early life.
More about my healing
I have no idea if your healing will happen along the same lines as mine. And I have observed only a couple of people who've done a little healing, paused, done some more, but without a complete commitment to healing themselves: to finding the whole truth of themselves through their childhood repression – which is, by the way, the ONLY way, so far as I can see, to find the truth. But I'm presenting this assuming you will want to go deep into yourself. And if you do it will be very difficult, your whole life and all your relationships will change. Your relationships may not end, but as you change, so too will they. I want to present my childhood repression healing experiences as they have been, not glossing over the hardships and presenting it all sugary and sweet. Not telling you, that all you have to do is honour your feelings and magically you'll heal everything, or to just follow a number of easy steps and all happiness will be yours. It's not like that. I wish it were, but it's extremely hard to do. It's crushing, horrendous, and there is nothing to compare with being stripped back to the raw you, having all your pretensions and erroneous beliefs stripped off you as if they were pieces of flesh. I have felt miserable and depressed for years as I've struggled to do my healing, barely able to do anything than keep talking to Marion about how bad I feel. And she has been even worse than I, having to give up doing virtually everything. When I look back, I can't understand how we've managed. Not working, not being able to, trying to give up all our attachments to the world – all the things we've been using to stop ourselves feel our bad feelings, has been ... I feel at times like I have been put through a shredding machine, turned inside out and upside down. Nothing within me has been left untouched and unscrutinised. To find the WHOLE truth of yourself involves understanding why every little part of you, inside and out, is how it is. It has been a extraordinary experience and although I may sound very negative about it, it has positively changed me. I have grown, and overall, when I am not being crushed by bad feelings, I feel good, very good, so much better than I used to. And it's because of this I know that healing your childhood repression is what you need to do if you do want to find true happiness and love. Although it's been hard, it's been incredible. To move down into parts of myself I had no idea existed, and to unlock myself from my childhood prison, to see the truth of all that really went on, has been astounding. And as hard as it is, I want to present my experiences and understanding in case others, possibly like you, are prepared to do whatever it takes to heal yourself of your childhood repression. And if you do want to start your healing, I know you too will suffer greatly in the process, but nothing more than you've already suffered through your forgotten childhood. And in the end it will all be gone, literally expressed out of you. And when you no longer have repressed bad feelings within you, then you can only feel good. As good as you should have felt through your childhood and life had you not been subjected to another's over powering and controlling will. Because so much of my early childhood was bad, I can't remember it. I've purposefully blocked it out - although I can't remember doing that either. To remember it, to reawaken the memories through seeing and feeling the truth of them, and not just remembering them with your mind, is an enlightening experience. To keep speaking about your bad feelings – all they are making you feel; to liberate them and then to suddenly SEE the cause of them – to know what happened to you when you little, from conception through to around six years old; to feel and know how unlovingly you were treated, is incredible to experience. And you don't need to do anything other than accept and express all your bad feelings, and then when you're ready, up comes the truth seemingly out of nowhere but from somewhere within yourself; and as you see it, you know you are healed from that part of your repression – and that is a wonderful feeling! Something might happen to make me feel angry. And instead of trying to stop myself feeling angry I go the other way trying to feel as angry as I can, speaking about it all to Marion. I try to focus on just feeling and accepting my anger, and allowing myself to be angry. I have been so heavily programmed to always be nice; to always be kind and accepting and not judgemental of other people, so any anger I have felt I have always very quickly buried not allowing it to surface. Because I believe, if I am angry my parents are going to be even angrier, and I'm going to get punished. So I push it down deep within me, somewhere where it sits festering away. So now I try to do the opposite, allowing myself to feel as angry as I feel, and gradually I have got used to feeling angry and really it's quite exhilarating. And over time, I have healed my feeling-preventing fears, such as the belief that if I am angry I will get into trouble. Beliefs from my early childhood that I had no idea were still governing and controlling my adult life. The key to doing my healing is to long for the truth of why I am feeling bad, whilst I am speaking about how bad I feel. When I feel angry for example, I long for the truth of why, as I speak about and emote how angry I feel, and how feeling the anger makes me feel. I express my feelings by speaking to Marion about them, with her asking me questions to further help me bring it all out, which can be very explosive at times. I long for the truth when I feel angry, as I want to know how being angry now in my adult life, connects with being angry back in my early childhood. I long for the truth but DON'T use my mind to try and work it out. I DON'T use my mind to try and force myself back to my early childhood trying to remember. I just want to know the truth I am feeling now, which will be the same truth of why I was feeling these same feelings back then, and keep speaking out my anger. (And although I am using anger as by bad-feeling example here, the same applies to how I deal with all my bad feelings.) And after some time, when I have expressed all I need to, up comes the truth of its own accord, connecting me back to my early childhood. I can see how what's happening in my life now making me angry, is the expression of what happened to me back then. It's not that the same thing is happening to me now as happened to me back then, as that can't happen, but it's the essence – the truth, the same feelings. And I can feel and see that why I am angry now; how I feel I am being treated now, is exactly the same as how I felt I was being treated back then. And it may be to do with my mother or father or grandmother, they being the most influential and controlling people in my early life. But it all feels right, and it explains why I am feeling angry now in my adult life, as the same patterns are being repeated and triggered. And in seeing what happened to me back then to make me so angry, and seeing how that is happening in essence – in truth – again now, suddenly I don't feel angry any more, as I have healed that part of myself I have for so long repressed. The healing mysteriously happens. I can't feel it, I just know that I have changed. I no longer need to live being controlled in my adult life by beliefs and behavioural patterns that controlled me back when I was young. And it's all happened because I have expressed out of me all those bad feelings I was repressing. And so the process goes, taking me deeper and deeper into myself using the bad feelings of today to find, unlock and liberate, the bad feelings of my forming years. It is remarkable how it all happens, and that is the saving grace about the whole process for without seeing the truth, without feeling it come up in you, it would be too hard to just keep feeling bad, day-in day-out, never feeling like you're getting anywhere. I have times of reprieve where it all comes together and I feel how far I have come, and I feel very good, but then it's back to the grindstone as more bad feelings are pushing up wanting to be heard. As to the sheer amount of repressed feelings I have within myself, it's too much to begin to contemplate – how much I've denied my bad feelings, and how shocking it all was. It's no wonder I've been so scared all the time and never feeling really happy – and now I know why. My healing has taken me way past anything I have read about childhood repression and anything I have heard or read about in psychology. I know what I have said regarding anger others will have experienced as they have sort to heal themselves, as good help will guide you back into liberating and getting in touch with what really went on in your early childhood, but what I am presenting is the whole picture, trying to put it into perspective so people can embrace it as a real and whole thing, so they can take it seriously and heal it. So they can accept the whole of their childhood repression - the whole of their negative and unloving evil state. Some people argue we can make up childhood memories to suit our needs, and I believe we can too. Look at how much you've already done with your mind to get to this point in your self-denial! However, healing your childhood repression, through and with your feelings, will prevent you falling into this trap; preventing your mind taking over yet again, creating all sorts of things you can believe are your early memories. What my healing has categorically shown me is that my childhood repression is very real and 'alive' within me. And when the truth surfaces by its own accord, and with nothing to do with my mind, I can certainly tell the difference – I FEEL it! And yet more about my healing
I grew up – so my healing has shown me – in a pretentious, patronising, superficial and false world. I believed it was as superior world. My family told me that they loved me and I believed them. I told them I loved them too, but as I’ve since found out, it was all crap. Now, it’s very easy to write the above paragraph knowing all I now know about myself, however, it’s taken years to fully and finally accept that what I just wrote is true. And it’s all come as a great shock. To gradually wake up and realise that all you thought was loving, wasn’t, and all you thought being nice was, was the very opposite – just using people, isn’t what a lot of people, I imagine, would want to see about themselves. I had no idea that was what my healing would show me or be about when I first began. So my whole world, the one I grew up in, has steadily disintegrated, showing me all through my repressed feelings, just what really did happen between my parents and myself. And to uncover all my repressed and terribly painful feelings of not feeling loved as I wanted to be, not feeling as cared about or wanted, has been very hurtful. But I know it’s all true: how I behaved, how I lived; my motives and intentions, were all unloving, so I never felt good in life. Sure I enjoyed doing some things, but even these things I no longer do anymore knowing I only did them to hide from the pain of feeling so unloved. To stop running away and to allow myself to feel the pain instead, as trying as it has been, has been very insightful - to say the least! Slowly I have awakened to the truth of my early relationships and I’ve accepted the fact that they were not as I believed they were. Marion has approached her healing from a different perspective than me. I was totally unaware, blind, to the truth of how I actually felt during my early childhood. But Marion coming from particularly unpleasant, over dominating and very controlling parents, was under no delusion how much she hated them, her life and herself, only she wasn’t allowed to express her hatred. So a lot of her healing has involved finding the permission within herself to do so, to be able to openly and freely say how she feels now and how she felt back then. And we’ve found our two different approaches, using the same methodology of feeling-acceptance, has been highly complimentary. We work off each other often stirring each other up, making each other feel bad and leading us deeper and deeper within ourselves. Overall Marion has been the leader, as the feminine is in such things. And without her direct help and input I doubt I would have been able to get through my blocks and resistance to feeling bad. I simply didn’t have any idea about my feelings and how they could help me, let alone how heavily I was denying them. In the beginning I had no idea I was even feeling as angry, depressed and miserable as I was. Only during my healing have I allowed such feelings to finally surface helping me feel what they feel like. I was so switched off and disassociated from my feelings never wanting to feel bad. My mind was in full control as I regularly denied so much of what I was really feeling. I think I must have been about the most unfeeling person alive with no idea as to the depth of feeling, both good and bad, one can experience and enjoy in life. My healing has opened me up to understanding just how extremely I’d shut little james away in a safe place inside myself, so afraid of him – me – being hurt. And even though my parents weren’t brutal like Marion’s, they sure did a good job on me causing me do deny so much of myself. |
Love may not be all you might think, feel and believe it to be.
More on Healing
The truth of why you have a headache, stub your toe, have cancer, catch a cold, can be found in your childhood repression. The truth of why you drink, smoke, take drugs – legal and illegal; need sex, have to find ways to entertain yourself in the hope of feeling good, can be found in your childhood repression. The truth of why you are a 'success' or 'failure' in life can be found in your childhood repression. The truth of why you have the relationships you do, good or bad, can be found in your childhood repression. The truth of why you have the job you do, the career, or the wishes, dreams and fantasies you have, can all be found in your childhood repression. The truth of why you believe everything you do; why you do all you do, and how you do it; why you behave as you do; why you say what you do, and how you say it; why you react to what is said and done to you as you do, can be found in your childhood repression. The truth of why bad things happen to you, the smallest to the largest, can be found in your childhood repression. Catching on? THE TRUTH OF ALL THAT YOU ARE CAN BE FOUND IN YOUR CHILDHOOD REPRESSION. THE TRUTH OF WHY EVERYTHING GOOD AND BAD HAPPENS TO YOU CAN BE FOUND IN YOUR CHILDHOOD REPRESSION. It's quite amazing isn't it? To think that you've been looking for answers everywhere except in your childhood repression. And yet it's in the truth of your childhood repression that they are all hiding from you. The truth of why you bought that car, that boat, that house, that dog, that cat; why you trod on that snail at that moment on the path; why your back is stuffed; why your piles are bad today but weren't yesterday; why your teeth need fillings; why your hair falls out; why your are fat; why you are thin; why you chew your finger nails or pick your nose – eat it or not, can all be found in your childhood repression. The truth of why you said those words when you did; why you reacted how you did; how you behave at a party, or with your relatives, or with your lover; why you want to look the way you do, and why you do look the way you do, can all be found in your childhood repression. So, if you're unhappy with any aspect of yourself or your life, and want to truly heal it, and not just add another superficial layer of self-denial together with more erroneous beliefs that you have healed the underlying causes, you will have to heal your childhood repression. You can go to the doctor and have your cancer 'successfully' removed or treated; you can take headache pills and magically your head pain goes away; but you are still NOT dealing with the underlying causes of the problems: what truly is causing your cancer and your head pain. And as you heal your childhood repression you will discover that it's not just bad luck, or genetic, or because you're eating the wrong food, or that you're stressed. You will find it all has to do with your early relationships and how bad they made you feel. Always our body and life is trying to alert us to the fact something is not right- by making us feel bad. Your childhood repression is like a poison within you wanting to come out, but you are preventing it from doing so and it's slowly destroying you, eating you away from the inside, manifesting in your life by making bad things happen to you. You can go to the shrink, do endless self-help workshops, even probe your early childhood releasing lots of anger and pain, yet still there will be more – still there will be your childhood repression: why you are suppresing, keeping repressed, and denying, your feelings. You were stopped from being yourself – from freely expressing your feelings – from your first moment of life at conception. And this continued on right through the most fundamental years of your development, during which all the patterns were formed that you express – live – as an adult. And, as a result, your false-self had to be created to deal with your feeling-denial. You have had to work extremely hard to create the false untrue you, a you that is comprised of all your negative patterns, which are consequently strongly entrenched within you causing you much pain; and pain that mostly you refuse to acknowledge, but pain that finds other ways to express itself as you can't hold it all down. Our childhood repression is very complex. It is you. You are expressing it all day, every day – we all are. And yet very few people have any idea that is even exists, and even if they do, that idea is skin deep. So if humanity believes space is waiting to be conquered – space being out there offering new potentials, we might first like to consider the space that already exists within us, that called our unconscious; that part mankind has been trying to look into and find out about for a long time. And when you find it, you will see that it's comprised of what happened to you as a young child – good and bad – and it is what is governing and determining your life. Many people are looking for answers: they climb the highest mountain, sit with gurus, look to God hoping an angelic messenger might reveal the way, and yet it's all within you, deeply buried, waiting for you to find. And from all I have experienced, it comes as you heal your childhood repression. And why we refuse to look into it is because it's full of bad feelings, lots and lots of repressed anger, grief, misery, guilt, hatred, rage, fear and pain - so much pain, and to face all that, to FEEL it, is very scary. But it's no more scary than what you felt when bad things were happening to you as a young child, causing you to shut off and turn away from these bad feelings. If you are on something of a spiritual quest and do truly want to 'go in', then guess where you'll be going in to? The quest for self-discovery - uncovering the whole truth of yourself - will inevitably lead you into your childhood repression (provided you allow your feelings and not your mind to guide you), as that is what there is to discover. If you believe sitting in prayer or meditation, saying your mantra, doing yoga, eating the right foods, is the way to spiritual enlightenment, then think about it in relation to your childhood repression: is it helping you heal your childhood repression or is it just another way for you to deaden yourself to your bad feelings? It is just another way to run away, to not face that which is making you feel the need to search for answers, and that which is making you pray and meditate, say your mantra, do yoga and eat the right foods. To achieve 'bliss', an empty or pure state of mind; to achieve an 'at-oneness' with God that denies your childhood repression, is going to eventually be counter productive, only leading you further away from yourself. And that is what all the major (and minor) spiritual and religious systems are doing. They are founded on helping the believer or follower denying their bad feelings, using ones mind to further delude oneself they are feeling better, whilst keeping their childhood repression firmly in place. They use exercises of the mind to 'transcend' the truth of what really went on between you and your parents when you were young. It all offers yet more ways to deny yourself, all under the illusion and deception that it's helping you. When all it helps you do is further deny the truth of yourself. It is my belief (I have not as yet completed my healing so it's still only a belief, not something I know for sure) that you can heal everything within you that's not true, all by healing all of your childhood repression. But as I said, to do so, you will have to want to live true – true to ALL your feelings. So you will have to become true, and to achieve this you will have to uncover and find the truth of all that is wrong within you, all you are denying. So you will have to heal your childhood repression. Healing our childhood repression awaits us all. We can either start it now or later in life; we can do a bit, pause, do a bit more; we can even begin it in spirit after we die. It's what humanity is searching for. It holds the keys to our understanding life, both individually (personally) and collectively (impersonally). It will show you how to live so you are happy – what is best and right for you. And it is what we're all afraid to find. The TRUTH. Speak! Bring it all out - all how you feel all the time.
It's vital to your well-being. Your feeling-healing goes on, and on and on and on and on... and on some more. When will it ever end!
Why do you want to kill yourself?
Because your parents wanted to 'kill' you. And it's totally understandable when it all gets too much to bear. |
Total feeling expression is paramount to good health and well-being.