My books - all free
These books are based soley on my childhood repression healing experiences. And my healing is still going. I offer them unedited and unproofed (the best I can do without driving myself mad with endless re-reading of them, and I can't afford to have them looked at professionally), together with my poor English expression, grammar, and bad word usage. However, if you can bear this, then feel free to download them.
Disclaimer: Please understand that I am only offering my opinions based on my healing and life experiences. I cannot guarantee or take responsibility for your healing or what you make of what I say. And I can't help you with your healing - all I can do is talk about the principles of it as I understand them. How you apply them is up to you.
Please respect copyright - all rights reserved the author.
“Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the...”
A presentation of myself.
I present my understanding of Feeling-Healing based on my childhood repression healing experiences. I’m still accepting, expressing and seeking the truth of my repressed feelings. Still I’m understanding my negative and unloving state of mind and will. Still I’m understanding how my parents didn’t love me as I needed to be loved.
I am presenting my websites as ‘works in progress’, for I won’t be able to categorically say whether doing what I call feeling-healing works until I have finished my healing. So in the mean time I am offering my writing as something for you to consider.
I am also trying to hold nothing back. I’m trying to be as hard on parents and parenting as I can. I am trying to be as much on the child’s side as I possibly can. As adults we can deal with the hard stuff, but we couldn’t as children - and we’re still also that child. And living in our evilness we can’t, no matter what we want to think about ourselves, be completely on the child’s side. Mostly it’s the child’s who is to blame and the parent can do no wrong. I want to try and balance the scales a little.
Why am I writing about childhood repression?
I guess most people feel loved by their parents to some degree. As to whether anyone feels totally loved by their parents, I can’t say. And some people don’t feel loved.
I am presenting childhood repression from the point of view of not feeling loved. As I have written, I believed I was loved by my parents, however my healing has shown me otherwise - how deluded I was, with all that I believed to be love turning out to be false and the very opposite of love.
I am writing for the person who wants to go the whole way, giving up everything and seeking the truth of what he or she calls love, being loving and feeling loved. And the only way to find that truth is to uncover the truth of all hidden feelings, the truth of all that one is keeping secret and hidden from oneself.
I am writing for the person who wants to live true. Who wants to live true to themselves - true to all they feel. Something that can only be achieved through complete unconditional acceptance of all feelings. And to achieve this requires liberating, and finding the truth of, all repressed childhood feelings. Something we can do through our Feeling-Healing.
A little more truth about why I write... another healing experience.
My feeling-healing has just revealed to me a little more about why I want to write and put this stuff on the Internet. And it goes like this:
I have to do what other people do. People have websites, so I want to have one. I want to do what mum and dad did, copy them, yet mostly because they said I had to. So as the world is mum and dad, I too must to have a website only it will be my own, in the way I want it to be, so making me believe it’s my own original idea. It will be my rebellion against them. And I expect people will reject it, as my parents rejected me.
And also: if I come across something, such as understanding about feeling-expression, I have to do something with it. They always told me I had to do something with whatever I said or did. If I said, I like that boy, they said, good, invite him over, you can take him to Macedon, you can go fishing, go and ask Papa if he’ll let you borrow the rods, what say we ring the boy up now... and on and on they went with endless suggestions taking over and trying to organise me. However I might not have wanted to ask the boy to go anywhere, all I was saying was I liked him in that moment. And, if I said something, they took it and ran with it adding their bits to it. I was never left alone free to do whatever I wanted, free to go at my own pace, free to make my own life. So I come up with this information to do with feeling-healing one way or another, and as I’m working on myself, then I think I have to run with it, put it out there so everyone else can work on themselves. I can’t just do it myself and not tell anyone about it, not do anything further with it like Marion does. I have to rush out there trying to control it, trying to make it go this way and that. But I can’t. So I end up doing nothing with it other than just putting it on my websites. And as yet I still feel like having the sites.
And then I can’t go any further with it. I can’t set about getting the resources required to fix my books and self-publish them. I can’t reach out making connections with people, I can’t even advise or counsel anyone on their healing. I can’t even create and orchestrate a forum about childhood repression. I can have the ideas and certainly run with them as my parents did with everything, but as that was all fantasy and as I was never allowed to put anything into action, so I can’t do anything further with it now as an adult. And probably in the end like all the things I have tried, I will ditch it, stop having my websites, as I get bored with them, just as I got bored with everything in my life as it never went any further in reality, only further in my head.
So now I want to just live in the moment. I don’t want to always be trying to take things further in my mind, yet never able to make them a reality. I don’t want to be in or use my mind in that way. I don’t want to live most of my life in a fantasy.
Love is where we feel we have some power - however, is it true love?
We’ve been made to follow the untruth. Jesus said, follow me - the truth, which means how he is, that being, being true to ourselves as he was true to himself. Jesus doesn’t tell us how to be and what we should do, explaining it all and making us do it all as he does it, he leaves it all up to us to work out. The evil ones say follow me, now you do this, set up this church, adhere to these right beliefs, do this on Sunday and that on other days and you MUST adhere, got it, or else! And then they write loads of commands and instructions for everyone to follow. Jesus didn’t write anything.
Follow yourself by following your feelings. Express them and talk about all you feel. And that doesn’t necessary mean, I feel like going to the shop, so you go. It means all your feelings whether or not you go to the shop, and if you do, all the ones all along the way, whilst you’re there, and all the way home. And you do, all so you can uncover the truth of all you feel.
Therapists and counsellors don’t understand the depth and so extent of our problems. Humanity is yet to ‘want to go there’. What we see is still all only the surface. And we still approach it by saying it shouldn’t be there and all we have to do is certain things, make certain adjustments, even bring out certain repressed feelings, and then we’ll be all better and able to get on in life. We’re still only scratching the surface, we still have no idea about the hurt and pain involved, the extent of our feeling-denial. Wait until you’re in the bottom of your pit during your feeling-healing, then you’ll understand that we have no idea about our suffering.
Please understand that concerning helping you with your healing, I sorry, buy I can’t. If we were physically together and you were feeling bad and wanting to express your bad feelings to uncover the truth of yourself, I might be able to support you in doing so, but even then I’m no expert at it. Marion’s the expert, she still having to tell and remind and show me what to do. All I can do is try and pass on my understanding of the process, how I experience it, and hope that might help you. Possibly in time there will be people experienced in knowing how to fully honour and express their feelings to uncover the truth of themselves, being sufficiently aware of how to help other people struggling to do it, but for now, I’m afraid it’s a case of working it out for yourself the best you can.
If you do have any questions about any of it, I am more than happy to try and answer them; and if you feel inclined to write about your healing experiences you are most welcome to do so on the forum. So feel free to ask me anything about it on the forum or email me (see contact page) if you’d rather more privacy.
Feeling Bad? Bad feelings are GOOD!
An introduction into how to heal your childhood repression through what I call Feeling-Healing.
The book covers the basic theory - at least how I understand it. It also gives you some practical help and guidance as to how to begin your feeling-healing should you want to tackle healing your childhood repression this way. But be warned, it's no simple process - it's very hard. We are all suffering greatly from our repressed childhood feelings, and for those people who say we aren't and there is no such thing, well, I invite them to do thier feeling-healing and then see what they say. Your childhood repression is VERY real whether you want to believe it or not. And it's within you, and it's waiting - waiting for that day when you want to uncover the truth of it.
Your feeling-healing begins by accepting your bad feelings: Bad feelings are Good!, and shouldn't be denied.
Please Note: I've recently updated and proofed it January 2013
Feeling bad will make you feel BETTER! - Eventually.
Please Note: I've recently updated and proofed it January 2013
|File Size:||1384 kb|
Breaking the Golden Rule.
Please Note: I've recently updated and proofed it January 2013
Feeling-Healing exercises, and other healing points to consider.
Updated with new additions June 2013
Cathy and Mark
And like all my novels, it's only my fantasy written as a part of my healing expression. So please don't expect your healing to go anything like Cathy and Mark's, mine certainly hasn't.
Ann and Terry have decided to do their Feeling-Healing. The book contains some of their healing experiences, focusing on longing for the truth to help them uncover it through their feelings. This contains all the posts on my Ann and Terry blog.
Snippets of childhood repression healing expression from spirits. As I don't know anyone doing their healing, I've had to rely on spirits to help me out, to give me examples of what it might be like for others doing their feeling- or soul-healing as they work their way through bringing out their repressed childhood feelings.
If you don't believe in the existence of a spirit world - where we go when we die - please don't let this prejudice your reading of this book - there's not too much spiritual stuff in it.
A collection of my CR blog posts from a few years ago. I now started it again - Feb 2013
If you'd like my whole website as a pdf I've included here (without pictures and a few less spelling mistakes) as of March 2011. And as I'm often adding to it, I will periodically publish updates. Yes, it's my old website, I'm yet to include the few new articles I've add to this most recent update and new look.
At the CR forum you are most welcome to write about your feeling-healing and bad feelings.
CR blog - about Feeling-Healing blog.
The Feeling Bad? website is an easier introduction to feeling denial and how to heal it.
Ann and Terry's - blogging about their feeling-healing experiences.
link to website
Introducing the Religion of Feelings; and Feeling-Healing - how to look to your feelings to heal yourself
Does the lion cub when it becomes a mother or father go back and apologise to its parents for all the difficulties it caused them?
Where and how can you get healing help?
The principles of Feeling-Healing can be applied to any healing situation, to any bad feeling experience in life. Really it's designed to simply help you express all your feelings, taking them all seriously rather than denying any of them. And then if you want to uncover the reasons why you are feeling them – the truth – you can. And by seeing the truth you can free yourself of all that's wrong within you causing you to feel bad.
My personal focus is wholly concerned with uncovering the truth within myself, and so I am presenting feeling-healing and the healing of our childhood repression with this goal in mind. And because of this I am 'framing' it all within what I call our negative mind and will condition, that which we are conceived into and then continue living forevermore until we heal it.
I am also approaching it from the point of view of feeling desperate about your life, feeling hopeless and unloved with life offering no other alternative than to look into your bad feelings and go with them instead of doing what you’ve been used to in pretending they are not there. I am trying to aim all I write for the bottom line, and I understand a lot of people feel relatively good and happy and loved in their lives, and good luck to them. If they are happy feeling they enjoy being evil, well so be it, it is as they have been made to feel from their early beginnings, but it wasn’t how I was made to feel. And I doubt such people would find anything of interest in what I write. However one day, more than likely sometime in spirit after many years of also feeling good, happy and loved, their soul will say all right, you’ve have enough of that, now to get serious with the need to grow in truth. And so their lives will change.
All other healing help I know of that exists 'out there', from what I can see, doesn't include the bigger picture of our negative state, so such help is designed to simply heal the problem and trauma enabling one to become 'happier' in life and have a more 'successful' one, all within the negative state. And such healing success can make you feel incredibly better, even like you're living a whole new and fresh life, however it will only be a matter of time (and that time may occur during your spirit life) when once again unrest, pain and inner restlessness shows you that there is still more to heal; and that perhaps you hadn't healed all of yourself like you had previously thought. And eventually you will have to choose to heal all of your negative condition if you are ever to be completely free, happy and loving.
Even Alice Miller and such therapists, from what I can see, are only seeking to help one feel better within ones negative feeling-denying life; they are not helping people do their full negative-condition healing.
And the only way I know of healing your full negative state is by wanting to uncover the whole truth of yourself, to live completely true to yourself – to all you feel. And your feeling-healing, and your feeling-healing if you wish to include God's Divine Love (soul-healing), can help you achieve this goal.
And because of this, it is why my healing is taking so much longer than I imagined, because there is so much to me - so much to us all - that is imperfect.
And this imperfection all results from how we were treated when we were forming. So the whole healing focus of ones feeling-healing will ultimately be on ones relationship with oneself, ones partner, other people and nature, and then, God. And there is a lot to heal before we are free to fully express our whole personality truly in each relationship.
Getting healing help?
I am sorry, but I can't offer you any hands-on healing help. It's something I have come to realise about myself – it's just not in me. I can write about it, speak about it, seek to try and understand all that's involved, but that's about all. So all I can offer you is some of my personal healing experiences and something of what I understand about it all. I don't have a therapist, or counselling bone in me.
If you are not capable of doing your feeling-healing yourself, hopefully in time there will come a person into your life who will be able to personally help you with your healing. No doubt there are other people like Marion who can certainly do it all themselves being very 'close' to and aware of their feelings, and I imagine such people should be able to grasp and readily apply the feeling-healing principles.
If however you are not one of these people, like myself, and if you are alone and without a partner to express all you feel to, then all I can say is that the time alone can be put to good use by developing your longing for the truth and the desire to have such people come into your life to help you. And I do know that if you make a commitment to yourself to find the whole truth of yourself no matter what that takes, and it's not just a mind idea or thought, but a full conviction-of-your-being commitment, then anything is possible, and your seeking the truth will be acknowledged and help will come.
Can you do your feeling-healing by yourself?
No, I don't think so. Although I can't say for sure, as I have not experienced this as Marion has always been there to help me, but as it's all designed – that is, the full healing of your negative state – to perfect your self-expression and so the relationships you are having, you will need the active intimate moment-to-moment interaction with another person to do it all. Your whole negative self-denying condition was caused through relationships, and so it's through relationships that you'll need to work it all out.
However, having said that, Marion spent many years alone working on herself, seeking to uncover the truth of herself and heal her problems and made good progress. She highly values this time alone. And in retrospect, it's easy for us both to see that it was during these long lonely hard years that she developed the tools to help me and herself when we came together, along with and a strong desire to find the truth that keeps her pushing on. Without all she went through during her time alone she wouldn't have been able to all that she's done, and quite frankly, none of this would have come about for me to write.
The challenge Marion and I have is to work out how to do our feeling-healing in each feeling moment. And as our denial of our feelings is so ingrained, when new bad feelings come up, often a lot of what we've already done before no longer helps, each situation bringing with it its own difficulties. Feeling-healing is rather an open ended nebulous thing, there is no formula or steps one can take, however because of this, it adds extra 'spice' to ones relationship in trying to bring up and speak about all one feels. And as hard as it is to do, it is extremely rewarding, giving rise to a life way beyond anything that one might have thought life to be. And as much as I hate it - hate feeling bad, and hate the difficulties of trying to speak about my bad feelings, it's been an amazing and incredible experience, especially doing it with another person. And although I don't think I'd be first in line volunteering for the experience again, I am very grateful to it – to all I have learnt and seen and felt about living life without love.
I do know feeling-healing works, I've had enough experiences now to be certain. However I still don't know if there is an end to it and what that might be like. But having started, I can't go back, because I don't want to keep denying any part of myself. Full and free personality expression is a basic right of all creatures, it's only a pity our parents didn't understand this, and that they themselves weren't allowed to do it by their parents... and their parents weren't allowed to do it by their parents... and their parents weren't allowed...
Have you considered including God in your healing?
You may already have God in your life, you may not, but either way you can do your feeling-healing with God – your soul-healing. And it's a far more comprehensive healing, involving more than just healing your negative state and living thereafter with perfected natural love. It adds a true spiritual aspect to your life, helping you to set out on your ascension of truth to Paradise – to the 'home' of God itself, that which we've actually been created to do, and that being what our lives are actually supposed to be about.
Divine Love Spirituality might sound 'Christian' but I assure you it's not. And it will help you to get to know God as your real and true Parents – They who created you. And when you have bad feelings and want to see the truth of them, it adds a different element, helping greatly to ask your real and true Mother and Father for help. And it's wonderful to feel it given to you directly by Them.
Also, if you are alone, setting out on your relationship with your Heavenly Mother and Father can provide you with someone to speak and express yourself to, however, it's still not the same as having someone in flesh, but... what else can you do?
If you would like to investigate Divine Love Spirituality from the healing aspect, then I would suggest reading my books with Mary Magdalene: The Rejected Ones – book 1; and Messages from Mary and Jesus – books 1 and 2. These can be found on my Divine Love Spirituality web site.
I’m not interested in myself, in what I’m feeling, only in things.
You can go to your therapist and ‘get it off your chest’ because you can’t say such things to the people in your normal life, as no one wants to hear them and you’d soon have no friends; however if you’re not seeking the truth of all you express, then all you’re doing is filling your therapist’s ears with your words and their pocket with your money. So sure you might feel better for it, and so why not pay someone to listen to you if that’s all you want them for. I went to a psychologist for six weeks. All he tried to do was help me deal with my anger and misery by giving me other mind patterns to think about and tell myself when I felt bad. He just tried to encourage me to patch up my problems so I could get back on with normal life, he didn’t tell me ways to help me bring out all my repressed feelings so I could find the truth of them, which was what I told him I wanted to do. I guess he didn’t understand about that, and I didn’t understand about those sorts of therapists. My mother went for years to her therapist letting off steam. Only once she came close to seeing something to do with her father, but it scared the shit out of her, so luckily with her therapists help, they were able to suppress all those threatening feelings and keep her childhood repression in place. It’s sad when you’ve got no one in your life to talk to, to even let off steam to, other than your therapist.
The world is a problem and being of it, we’ve all got problems.
Simply, we have to keep expressing ourselves so our soul can keep bringing us into Creation, so we can keep growing in truth. Our rebellion against ourselves is our stopping our self and so feeling expression, thereby inhibiting our soul expression and soul growth. And all those terribly miserable feelings we feel about not really existing and being nothing, are all because that’s what’s happening to our soul, we’re killing it - killing ourselves. And although we can’t actually kill or destroy our own soul - that’s not within our power, it sure feels like we are.
Love is where we feel we have some power - however, is it true love?
A child allows complete possession. In that complete dominance over it comes complete power, a power we call love. So a parent is going to fight tooth and nail to maintain that power - love. So when the child does something wrong, it’s quickly smashed, punished and brought into line. Some love! We don’t have children without having them as our possession, we don’t truly love.
It seems to me that psychology refuses to face the truth it sees every day.
I gave, and keep giving myself, my love, to a black hole. She took it all and gave me no love in return. Now I’m drained of all love, I’ve been sucked dry, with no more to give. Yet I still keep trying to give, all in the hope and promise that one day the black hole will pour all its milk and honey into me. That one day she’ll love me.
You’ve got to be a criminal because that’s the world you grew up in.
We’re only angry at the world - other people, because we’re angry at and with ourselves. If we weren’t angry with ourselves, we’d not be angry with anyone else.
We can only see what we want to see.
Our healing is getting to know it - the bad state of our childhood. The truth of how we grew up. And all through your feelings. And you work yourself back and back, deeper and deeper, and you wonder when will you ever see it all; and you keep on going, still deeper into yourself, still getting to know yourself - all how you felt back then, and all how you feel now. And still you keep going, and still there is more to see. And when you've reached the end of your tether, when you're screaming with the agony of boredom and frustration of not having a life, when you can't possibly see how there is more to see... then you still keep going, as there is still always more.
You might not be able to have everything you want - but you can express all you feel!