my healing
Who do I have to thank for fucking me up so badly?
I'll give you one guess.
I'll give you one guess.
Q/A about my healing
How long have you been working on yourself - doing your childhood repression healing? Coming up to sixteen years. And how has it been for you? That’s a huge question. It’s been agony, every step of the way - so much pain. I had no idea I had so many bad feelings hidden inside me. My soul must have been stuffed full of them. And it has been an incredible experience. I have changed so much, and so far as I feel, so much for the better. I like myself now - through my feelings, whereas before I started, I believed I did, but it was only with my mind. And all I did to myself has shown me that I actually hated myself. I treated myself as my parents treated me, this I now understand. With so much pain, why have kept going? Because I’d come to a point in my life whereby my unhappiness was too great and nothing I tried helped me feel better. Some things did for a short time, but they always petered out leaving me back as I’ve always felt. So I felt like I had nothing else, there wasn’t anything else I could do. I had to give up. So in regard to my healing, once I started it I just had to push on, there was no alternative, nothing else I could do. I couldn’t stop, as then I’d just have felt as bad as I did, and no way could I have gone back, and although I have felt bad so much of the time, still, overall, I feel so much better about myself. And how have you dealt with your pain? By speaking about it all to Marion. She’s had to push me a lot as I didn’t want to admit I was feeling it, preferring to push it away, but to do that would have defeated all I was trying to achieve - understanding why I was in so much pain, so I've tried to speak about it all. I was hopeless to begin with, but slowly I’m getting a little better at it. What sort of pain did you have? A lot of physical pain. Every part of my body at some time has ached for years. Currently it’s still my lower back, my elbows hurt when I lift any weight, my knees feel like their about to give way, and my feet, toes and lower legs hurt during the night. Then there is the constant irritation of having so much pain. I've literally got so much repressed anger inside me it hurts. And I’ve buried it so heavily it’s very hard to bring out. There’s also been a lot of emotional pain, the pain of feeling a lot of despair and misery - so much misery. Mental pain, the mental anguish of realising that so much of what I’ve believed has been crap and wrong. And then feeling this negative impact on me has hurt a lot - to feel and know how wrong I am... that’s been very hard. To own up and admit I am a blight on the Earth in my negative state, that I am nothing more than evil... well it takes a lot of reversing how you did think about yourself. But our feelings don’t lie, and the more I listen to them, the more I have to accept this about myself. And the spiritual pain. To wake understanding that I’m denying my true self, nature and God. That sure hasn’t made me feel good. And then you put it all together, day after day, day in day out, and feeling so useless, so pathetic, so powerless... it’s all so crushing, so soul-destroying. And then to wake up to the truth that this is how I’ve always felt, it being how my parents made me feel. So to face the truth of how unloving my relationship with them really is, just how bad it was during my early years when I believed it was all good and loving... that’s hurt a great deal. What’s been your worst experience? The whole thing! I don’t think I can say I’ve had a ‘worst’ experience, the whole things been bad as it has been good. I used to live with a little girl and her mum some years before I met Marion. I loved the little three year old more than I’ve loved anything - or so I thought. When her mother left me for another man I felt devastated crying my way around and around the local park having had my life fall in on top of me. Those few weeks had been the worst emotional pain I’d experienced up until that time. During my healing I've felt similar and even worse emotional pain for not just a few weeks, but for years on end. Unrelenting pain. I’ve had moments of respite within them, coming up for air to see that I was making progress, then I’d be plunged down into them again. Systematically I've been broken down - I literally feeling like I’d been broken apart. And through it, concerning the ‘love’ I had for the little girl, I've come to understand that I projected or transferred myself onto her. She became myself, and I became the loving father and mother to myself that I never had. So when she left I felt so bad because I was being taken away from my ‘nice’ fantasy parents. It all had nothing to do with the little girl. I was too out of touch with my real feelings to know how I truly felt about her. Really I think we had nothing in common. The so-called love I felt for her was all my own doing, which I’ve realised has been the same with all my past girlfriends and everything I thought I’ve loved. So no one point or moment stands out for you? No, I’ve had too many of them now. Some of them I’ve written about in my books and writings, but mostly they are just for me, and between Marion and I. What does stand out, as I look back over what I've done so far, is there has been definite stages to it. For about the first ten years it was mostly breaking me down so I could see just how fucked I was, how untrue I was, how far away from myself. And within this was-a-slow-to-begin-with sinking into my misery and pain. After about five years I was free enough within myself to admit and accept that I was fucked, and that all the patterns that made up my false front in the world were coming down. For the next five years it was a steady descent into feeling-hell. I just felt worse and worse, so, so miserable. Miserable and depressed. My body ached with misery. I could hardly walk. I couldn’t work, I could hardly speak. I was reduced to nothing, completely broken down physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I was well and truly fucked, and by the end of it I had no problems admitting it - I was: I am. And it was all how my parents made me feel, and the misery I felt from their unloving treatment of me. Then I felt like I started to turn the corner and come up out of my hole. I’d still be plunged back into it but it’s got less and less. Now it happens less frequently (like once or twice a week instead of about ten times each day) and I stay in it for only a matter or hours or minutes, not years. And that’s a bloody relief! About two years ago I realised that I didn’t feel so miserable anymore. You sort of wake up to these understandings about yourself. And I felt it wasn’t just another reprieve, that it had mostly gone from me. And I felt like I was being put back together again having been ripped apart. Now I feel so much stronger within myself every day. I still feel crushed some days, but I can quickly express all my bad feelings and find the truth of why I’m feeling them. Mostly I feel stable and able to go with the ups and downs of my feelings, good and bad. I feel my own natural power coming to me, which all reflects back on how false and unnatural I was. I’m becoming truer, and best of all that’s being reflected in my relationship with Marion. Currently what I'm working on is my bad communication in our relationship, how I don't relate truly to Marion being unable to express my feelings in each moment so as to reach out, connect with, and include her completely in my life. I’ve still a lot of repressed anger in me, but the misery and all that pain seems to have subsided a lot. Now it’s more about adding to the picture of my self-denial whilst going over and over and deeper into every aspect of my relationship with my parents and grandparents, brother and sister, even with the live in girls who looked after us kids when I was older. It seems like there’s always more to see, it’s astounding how far you can do inside yourself - I simply had no idea. So your relationship with Marion has changed? It sure has. I have no idea why we have stayed together. It’s just been this feeling we both have that we have to be together to work on ourselves, and there isn’t anything or anyone else for us. We’ve just had to get on with it - more like a working relationship to help each other heal. And during the worst times, the blackest, bleakest and most despairing, we hacked each other apart, we had to get out all our hatred, all the seething vileness that was locked away inside us; and as we only had each other and not our parents to give it all back to... it is amazing we've stayed together. We have the feeling that it’s all beyond us, not of our doing, a feeling we have increasingly about our lives. Currently my healing focus is bringing to light all the aspects of me that aren’t expressing themselves truly in our relationship. All the parts of me that mum, dad and Gran closed off - and there are millions. It’s been very frustrating, so annoying, but so good in helping me see just how rigidly such behavioural patterns are put in place when we’re young. And how hard they are to change when we’re older. So many people, and I used to as well, believe they can change such problems by doing some New Age workshop or by reading a few self-help books, but if only it could be that easy. What would you say to anyone if they were seriously considering doing their healing? Don’t do it, it’s too hard and there’s simply too much pain. Don’t torture yourself. Do it! And do it all! Go right into all that pain and feel and express all that torture, because there is no other way to heal your negative state. And when the truth comes, there is nothing like it. And to grow in truth, to feel yourself progressing is wonderful. And all you will come to understand and see about yourself, nature and life, will be beyond words. It will be second hardest thing you’ll ever do, the first being your forming years... and that’s already done. How does what you’ve been through compare to any other healing you’ve done prior to your feeling-healing? It’s doesn’t compare. I wouldn’t waste my time even trying. There is NOTHING like your feeling-healing, and even more than this, nothing like your soul-healing. It’s a whole new way of life, and that’s not one based on changing ones mind set. It’s about changing EVERYTHING, letting everything go, all that is wrong within you, changing your actual 'fabric' so you end up feeling like you’ve been born anew - with a positive mind and will. And what does that feel like...? So your whole outlook on life has changed? It sure has. I look at it like this. I started going left in my life. I believed I knew where I was headed and I tried to make life happen for me. I walked off to the left and kept going, totally oblivious to that fact that I was going the wrong way, and that another entirely different way to live existed off to the right. And slowly as I’ve stopped going off to the left and started to go to the right, now I can look back over to the left and see that I and the whole world were going that way - the wrong way. And the whole world is still going that way, but I no longer am. And as hard as it is to then live in and relate to all that is wrong and going the wrong way, it’s an incredible experience. But how do you know you are right, and not wrong? I feel it. That’s all I can say. I feel a zillion percent better within myself. My life according to the standards of the ‘left way’ is nothing, I am a complete failure. And yet every day, the more bad feelings and yuk I express out of myself, the more I see how I can’t freely express myself, the better I feel, and ironically, the better I can express myself. When you uncover the truth you just know that it's true - that's the beauty of it, TRUTH IS TRUE! So when will your healing finish? I have no idea. I just have to keep going, it truly is a moment to moment thing, all helping me to live ONLY in the NOW. I used to think I had something of idea about it, however that was only more false stuff, and that’s all been stripped away. Every day I long for it to end (and probably at some point I'll even give this up). I long for the truth of my bad feelings, I long and long. That’s all I can do. |
The power we have is being parents. And we abuse it all.
We can fantasise all we like about what our lives could have been, but it’s all a waste of time. It may be necessary as part of your healing, but to lament on it if one is not doing so with the intention of expressing such bad feelings is a waste of time. And it is because God gave us the lives we’ve had and they could never have been any other way, and furthermore, they are perfect as they are. Your fucked life is perfect for you, there are reasons for it, which you will come to understand in time; and if anything, it couldn’t have been more perfect. So a complete tragic, miserable, nothing life is exactly what your soul requires to bring you into being the person you are and will continue to be. All we suffer during our Earth or mansion world life is only a very small part of the whole; and we all need time and masses of experience to understand the truth of what it’s been all about - what it is all about. Life is not what we think it is, for to begin with, we’re all starting off experiencing what it’s like to live in an evil state.
It’s when your self-worth is attacked growing up that fucks you up. You can take all kinds of abuse if it remains intact, however once it all becomes personal or if it is right from the beginning making you feel you’re nothing, worth nothing and a nothing person, then forget it, you’re better off dead. Only doing your feeling-healing will make you feel better.
We’re not allowed to remain as our true hurt selves. We can’t stay true to that. We have to stop that or we’ll die or something horrible will happen, so we just have to get on, keep up, become how our parents are, how they want us to be. We don’t know we’re being treated badly when we’re young, we feel it, but we’re not fully conscious of it, we just try to work out how to survive, burying all the pain the best we can.
If you give in and admit defeat you’ve lost, you’ve failed, you’re the no-hoper. So you can’t give in, you must fuck your child up making it be the failure. But at least it’s not your fault, so you tell yourself, your child must be defective, God has given you a bum one. You did all you could, you’re not the bad one, you didn’t give in, you’re the winner. It’s just bad luck you got such a useless child.
We never feel we’ve pleased them, that they are perfectly happy with us, so we never feel right and truly happy. We want our parents to be perfect and for ourselves to be perfect so we can feel perfectly happy. Even the best of us who might think they have everything and are perfect and so are perfectly happy still have underlying feelings that they are not good enough. No one can be good enough, no one can be the perfect child to imperfect parents. One can only be a perfect child if one had perfect parents. And we can’t make it, or ourselves be perfect, perfection has to already be there. We can only give up and ask Him to made us, to be how He wants us to be, as we don’t know how to be or how to make ourselves be it.
We are taught that we are to change our mental state when we feel bad feelings like jealousy, anger, misery and hate. Apply a ‘positive mental attitude’, or go to a shrink who’ll help you do it, or just ‘get over it’. But these are feelings that we must honour and not push away, they ARE WHAT WE ARE FEELING, it being self-denying and so very damaging to pretend they are not there. One should not seek to change ones mental attitude but instead seek the truth of ones feeling-state by accepting, honouring and expressing ones feelings whilst wanting to uncover the truth of why one is having them. We need to embrace all our feelings and see what’s causing them, not pretend they don’t exist.
We only pretend our feelings don’t exist, because deep within us, and in a traumatised state, we feel we don’t exist.
Full acceptance of yourself is to accept yourself just as you are. If you’re miserable and depressed that’s you, and you can accept yourself for being that way. You still might not like being that way, but as you are, you may as well face the truth and accept yourself rather than still pretending you’re some other way.
If you're a good parent you blame yourself. If you're a bad parent you blame your child.
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There's nothing else you can do other than:
Keep Going.
Keep Going.
Phases of my healing
It seems to be turning out that there are three main phases to my healing, which contain other phases within them. Phase 1 This began upon meeting Marion. I wanted to know why my life wasn’t working, what was wrong with me, why the spiritual route with the Divine Love wasn’t working as I had wrongly assumed it would. Marion began my education about childhood repression, and how living true to my feelings was the only way I could find, or get back to, my true self. She said the way to do it was through the ongoing acceptance, expression and longing for the truth of my feelings, and in particular all those bad feelings I wasn’t even aware I was feeling. She helped me to see where and how I was denying such feelings, and helped me to start speaking about them. She also helped me to understand how they were controlling my adult life and how I felt when I was young and suppressed them. She’d call me on all my behaviour, all the things I did and said that made her feel bad. Why did you do or say that, she would ask - I never had any idea why. Then she’d help me, all based on her own feeling experiences, work back and into myself, helping me bring up that which had been deeply buried and hidden in my past. And slowly as I longed and wanted to know the truth it began to come, all substantiating what Marion had said. When we were out she might feel bad because of her interaction with the check-out girl and we’d sit in the supermarket car-park for hours as she expressed all the bad feelings that surfaced within her. I listened, not being able to do much else for her in those early days. Or, I would inadvertently kick the back of her shoe whilst we were doing the shopping, and then we’d sit in the car for hours as she would work me, and work on me, helping me to bring up the hidden feelings I was feeling causing me to do something like that to her, something that annoyed her. And we’d do the same at home when anything made us feel bad in any way. We spent about three years during this first phase of about five years, sitting in the kitchen of our small apartment speaking endlessly about our feelings. It was bloody hard going, as with all of my feelings it was like trying to get blood out of a stone, and I couldn’t do it without her help. I felt so pathetic not knowing what I felt and why. Feelings were so foreign to me. During this first phase, the greatest shock and what I had to come to terms with, was the truth that my parents didn’t love me after all, that all I felt love to be from them was not love. Everything I thought life to be was wrong - everything about me, all that I was, was wrong. I couldn’t deny it as Marion picked me apart, calling me on everything that I did and said that made her feel bad. Slowly I began to see the truth for myself. Phase 2 This began with our moving into a house to live. It included our pet cat and lasted for about eight years. It involved the very trying and intense work of dragging up all my repressed misery, along with all it’s associated anger and rage, together with feelings of sadness, and: why did it all happen to me, and why was it all so unfair - my missing out on so much normal life. Marion kept helping to break me down. Always picking up on things I said and asking me why did I say them. We’d speak for hours and hours, days about why I did it, with my always trying to uncover yet more elusive bad feelings; she trying to work it all out based on her own experiences. She also had all her own misery, tones and tones of unhappiness, bitterness, resentment, fury, guilt, shame she had felt at the unloving hard-hitting physical and emotional hands of her parents. She had incredibly bad self-esteme, felt a complete failure and useless waste of space. And she had to also deal with me repeatedly trying to stop her from feeling bad. All our bad feelings kept coming, every day and often during a lot of the night. And constantly we worked on speaking about them, allowing ourselves to feel them, and to feel how we felt about having them, all the while longing hard for the truth. The truth kept coming, our personal pictures about all our trauma and suffering grew. I reached the bottom of my misery feeling the most miserable I could, feeling like I was being perpetually dragged along the road having all my skin ripped off with no way of stopping it. All the while through one thing or another we were increasing our psychological understanding of why we felt as we did, having to understand our outstanding needs for love, our dependence on our unloving parents, why we felt so bad, and what happened to us from conception right through to the present. Every little part of our lives was grilled over time and time again, always with more understanding about it all in the personal small picture and the bigger impersonal picture, coming to light. Then we moved again, with the first year in our new place on the Island squeezing out the very last of our misery, relentlessly pushing us deeper and deeper into our pain, which eventually climaxed with our having to put our little cat, who had so unconditionally and with never a complaint helped us so much, to sleep. Phase 3 This we’re currently in. Most of our pain and misery has gone, and generally we’re feeling so much better within ourselves. All my fantasies have been broken down and stripped out of me. We both understand our childhood repression to quite a high degree compared to what we knew about ourselves when first we began. And yet we both still feel like we are only just beginning to get something of handle on it. For the past year as our bad feelings have surfaced they have been helping us identify and then iron out much of the more subtle relationship difficulties we have with ourselves, each other and with everyone else. Right down on our will levels, and where our need for power comes from and how it was all so fucked around when we were forming. We’re doing the deepest healing, yet without the emotional torment and hurt, it’s more about rectifying many of our very deep and most basic patterns and mental beliefs and feeling circuits; the sorting out and fixing much of our personality disorder and how we express ourselves. It’s equally hard going as to what our healing has been, but in a different way, with us both allowing ourselves to feel and be the damaged fucked up people that we are. We’re giving up the last of our control, our trying to have some say and power in our life, power and control that has tried to combat and cover up our negative truth-denying states. We’re getting better at accepting we can’t do anything in the negative world, in our own inner negative states. We can only keep going, accepting, expressing and longing for the truth of all we feel. But overall we’re feeling like we’re becoming more true: true to our negative state, true to our bad feelings. And we’re still feeling increasingly better about ourselves. We’re beginning to love ourselves and each other. Light does seem to be on the horizon, yet still a long way off, however both of us are now more accepting of allowing the process to run its course, rather than our trying to influence it in anyway. Daily we are changing. I am much better at being self-revealing and at self-identifying my own bad feelings. I no longer need Marion’s help in that area, yet still I need it in trying to work out the complexities of the psychology of it all, and for her to help me see just how dysfunctional I am when it comes to trying to truly connect with another person. We both feel like we’re just ticking over, and at any moment could expire, which we’d welcome. Many times lately I’ve thought Marion would move on into spirit, she’s had a hell of lot of physical pain to deal with as her body hardly works at all. But she’s still here and we’re still going. Our whole outlook and motivation in life has and is continuously changing, and all for the better. Our love and appreciation of nature is growing, as is our love and appreciation of our own nature. And increasingly we hate the world. And during our good times we’re feeling more in awe of the whole self-healing process. The simplicity of how to do it, the struggle of trying to act on this simplicity - the difficulty of dredging up all those repressed early childhood feelings, and the beauty and comfort of truth. We feel our negative state leaving us as we become progressively truer to it. We are all but dead, but we know and understand that it’s how we’ve always felt - how it feels to live without any love, without any good feelings at all. We know it’s what feeling evil really feels like once you’ve stripped away the show of being happy and loved. How it was for us during our early lives. |
If your mother is not there for you, or someone who cares about you as a mother does - or should do; if she’s not there physically or emotionally or spiritually, then you don’t want to get up in the morning. Your world doesn’t want you; what do you have to live for when your first primary relationship says I don’t want you, I don’t love you - I hate you, making you feel like you’re just a bit of garbage no one wants to bother with. So you feel utterly miserable and depressed. Mum didn’t physically leave me, but she wasn’t there for me on the other levels, which one could argue is far worse. Everyday it’s a struggle to get up.
The child grows up its mother’s (and father’s) world. However the mother feels she has no power still being the unloved little child herself. So the mother and child fight for power. The mother plays the role she is the great one having it all under control and yet deeper within herself she feels the opposite, that really she’s nothing more than a piece of shit.
The hurt has always been there, we’ve just tried to cover it up. It’s there and will always be there until we’re living true to ourselves. Living evilly means we’re untrue and so this is hurting us - we’re hurting ourselves. So we have to begin to love ourselves by living true to how hurt we feel, true to our evilness. Not to go out there and be a horrible nasty evil person all over the place, but to fully accept, acknowledge and express all our bad feelings - all the pain of how hurt we feel. We’ve not been allowed to feel our bad feelings, they didn’t allow us to be true to our hurt, pain and suffering, causing us to live untrue and false lives. So when you feel feelings that make you feel bad, that tell you you’re not right, you should go with them, they are showing you the way, the truth of yourself because you are not right, you’ve been subjected to a heap of unlovingness right from the beginning and this is how it’s made you feel. So it’s right we feel all the pain and feel so fucked because that’s the truth.
We’re not supposed to be self-sacrificing, giving everything of ourselves to everyone and nothing to ourselves. We’re not meant to be always giving, to never be selfish, to never demand anything for ourselves. So we’re not meant to go on about our bad feelings making the other person have to pay attention to us. What we are supposed to be is feeling good in our soul and then be however we feel to be, free to express all our good and bad feelings.
We’re taught not to give into ourselves, our own feelings, but to give into them (our parents), into their feelings. They teach us our feelings are untrue, the devil putting them into us making us feeling bad, and it’s their feelings that are right, and we should be and feel as they do. Your way is wrong, our way is right! However we should give into our feelings, accept, acknowledge and express them, allowing them to be, allowing ourselves to fully feel them, and not to stop ourselves, not to deny ourselves as they denied us.
We’re punished for feeling bad - stop crying, stop carrying on; we’re pushed away, we’re made to feel rejected, which makes us only feel worse. To feel rejected and that they don’t want to know you, to feel so unloved, is soul destroying, it kills you right to the core of your being. We’re punished for feeling bad and them most of us are given things or have to find ways to make ourselves feel better, but these are false good feelings, not based on true love. Then we become addicted to these things to keep us propped us as we need them so we can keep pretending that we don’t feel bad, that things aren’t as bad as they seem. But they are. Things are really very bad, and that’s what we have to one day accept. We’re punished for feeling bad, because no one wants you if you express bad feelings.
It’s rare for a child to have anyone completely on its side. No one is allowed to undermine the parents power by supporting the child. If that were to happen then the parent would lose its power and that’s the big no, no. Then the child becomes the all-powerful one, and ‘we can’t have that now, can we James’. The parent feels no one cares about them, they are the ones hard done by, because they are still the child that no one cared about. But now as the parent they can have all power, I’M THE PARENT, YOU DO AS I SAY, it’s my turn now, you have to be overpowered as I was. And the child gives its parents the power. So often you hear, ‘I’d never hit my child like my parents hit me’, and yet next thing you know that mother or father is hitting its child. Some people might not even want the power, but are forced into it, they are made to take control over their children because there’s no other way to live. And if they can’t run way, can’t escape the pressure, feeling trapped, then they inevitably resent the child.
It’s about being completely honest with your feelings - about how you feel and expressing them. Not holding them back. (And doing this with your partner or the person who is willing to listen to all you have to say, as it’s not always appropriate to do it with people you have more of a superficial relationship with. There’s no need to go around offending and hurting everyone whilst making life harder for yourself as you say to everyone what you truly feel. Unless of course it’s what you feel you must do.)
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If it wasn’t a part of your early life - if the pattern wasn’t established,
then try as you might but you’ll never be able to do it.
Not until you’ve completed your healing enabling you to establish new patterns.
then try as you might but you’ll never be able to do it.
Not until you’ve completed your healing enabling you to establish new patterns.