relationships
Love is all about relationships.
Are your relationships true?
Are your relationships true?
Janet, Jenny and Jessie are sisters.
Janet is calm and content, secure in herself as an adult. Her mother being calm, content, happy in her marriage and secure in life when she was pregnant with her. Jenny is a sook, always complaining and with a miserable disposition, generally unhappy within herself and about life. Her mother whilst pregnant with her was unhappy, things weren’t going well in her marriage, she had a lot to complain about. Jessie is a fighter, into it all with strength of will; she’s tenacious, strong and self-assured. Her mother when pregnant with her was fighting back, she wasn’t tolerating it anymore, she was taking the upper hand back in her marriage. You could think the girls had three different mothers how they all turned out. They didn’t want a girl, it made them very angry that their first child was one. Carol grew up feeling like she wasn’t part of the family, she couldn’t assert herself; she wasn’t confident with low self-esteem, and they bitterly disproved of her choice in a man. Her brother who was wanted, couldn’t put a step wrong, was outstanding at all sports - at everything he put his mind to. He was adored by everyone. He could marry beneath himself too, and they all still loved him. It's not fair, is it! They couldn't be more unkind and cruel.
Narcissistic parents
If you have narcissistic parents then you’re faced with having to accept that your parents didn’t give a shit about you, that they cared only about themselves. That they used you for their own self-gain. That they didn’t love you unconditionally, that your relationship with them was based on condition, that being: that you do as they say, that you are there to please them, not the other way around. It’s very difficult when you realise that your parents saw you as competition to their limelight. That at best you were nothing more than part of the audience, there to applaud and praise them. That it was all for them and nothing for you. That in fact they are still a little child along with you and doing all they can to get more attention from the parents than you are. To think that your parents put themselves first so ahead of you should make you want to scream with rage, to throw a tantrum, which no doubt you did, but as your parents couldn’t allow you to have more attention than them, even in a negative way, you were quickly silenced or their tantrum and rage at you was far greater. And if you had narcissistic parents they probably put all that shit on you about you being selfish, so you feel guilty when you do anything for yourself. And it will take you a long time and a lot of hard personal work to overcome such guilt and realise that it wasn’t you who was bad, it was them - they were selfish. They ARE selfish! My mother and grandmother found they gained a huge amount of power by talking at me. They didn’t converse with me, that would have meant I had equal power; no, they simply went on and on demanding I listened to them. And I did. I had no choice in it. So I accepted that was my role in life, to feel the victim, the subservient one, the one who could do nothing but listen. But I didn’t listen, as I didn’t want them to have all power over me, and I realised through my early life that so long as I pretended to pay attention to them they were happy. So I learnt when to make the appropriate noises, leaving them to talk whilst I went off in my mind, there to find my own power in my fantasies. Which is all very well, but I still do it, so now with Marion who I do want to listen to and who does want to converse equally with me, it’s very difficult, all because my patterns are well and truly ingrained within me.
Mum and Gran’s idea of my being their friend is for me to follow and be exactly like them - not a separate individual. I grew up believing I was my own person, but through my healing I've found out the truth - I'm not.
Why do we go to school?
Why are we forced to go away from our family for so many years being programmed into something we’re not meant to be? Why do our parents send us away to have our mind filled with meaningless junk, denying our learning about life naturally through hands on experience? Why do we sent out children away to a place day after day where they can’t freely express their thoughts and feelings? Why don’t we allow our children to freely express their thoughts and feelings at home? Why do some of us enjoy school, preferring being there than at home with our family? Why do we subject ourselves during our most creative and expressive time of life to a regime that destroys all natural creativity? Why do we have to conform? Why do we have to be competitive? Why do our parents want to send us away - don’t they like us, don’t they want us with them all the time? Don’t they love us? Why don’t we understand what we are doing to ourselves? When are we going to get it? When are we going to wake up? When are we going to start loving ourselves enough to honour and truly accept all our feelings? When are we going to see that school only helps us deny our feelings even more? When are we going to realise there is another way? When are we going to stop controlling our children, at home and at school? And when are you going to stop enjoying going to school because it’s better than being at home? |
The way we act is the way we were treated when growing up.
A young girl bumps her head on the car door. Her mother says: ‘Oh darling, are you alright? That’s a silly thing to do’.
It’s a pity she added the silly part. She sounds caring but then tells her daughter she’s silly, she rejects her making her feel unloved. And it doesn’t matter how the mother might mean it, no one wants to be called silly, especially when they’re young. And I reckon if you could look deeper you'd see that the child is herself and she is being her parents to herself calling her silly. Some people are very expressive, other’s not; yet if you’re not looking for the truth of yourself through your feelings, then it doesn’t matter.
The Wolf Children - by Charles Maclean.
Two young Indian girls raised by wolves. Rescued and tried to be brought back into the human world. Truth or fiction? It certainly seems very believable when you read about how wolfish the girls were and how hard it was for them to become humanised. A great insight into early childhood: just how we do absorb our whole environment becoming it, adjusting as required to the forces brought to bear on us, especially when ones family is such a closed system. ‘Yes, he’s very strong willed.’ The ‘rebellious’ two and a half year old fights for all its worth. We beat it down making it be obedient. Pity those two and a half year olds that don’t fight, that aren’t strong willed - they’ve already been beaten to a pulp.
Just how important is imitation when we’re young!
What, or better still, who, are you really angry at?
We believe the act of love is the real thing. If we put it on, it will be true. But it’s all false.
You hate yourself because they were horrible to you - they hated you. You can’t be any other way.
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I’m being dragged by my mother against my will. I don’t want to go with her. Suddenly she grabbed me saying I had to come with her, she’s pulling me by the arm. I am screaming: in anger at being made to do what I don’t want to do, and made to do it so unlovingly; and in terror for I’m being forced to go against myself. I’m shit scared of what might happen, I’ve lost control, I’m powerless, I’m fighting for my survival.
It’s all so easy, the parent has had enough and wants to go, so the child must comply. ‘Come on, we’re going now’, and try as it might but no amount of protest will stop the horrible thing happening to it - it doesn’t want to go. And the more it tries to assert its will, the more pain it suffers, something that is going to jeopardise its adult life, for every time it wants to do something it’s going to be afraid that it’s not going to be allowed to, or it might start enjoying itself but something will interfere making it have to stop. So what fun will life be; what fun is life now being dragged along by its mother. And all that terror and anger and pain and suffering will one day have to be acknowledged, brought out, and felt for what it truly is.
It’s all so easy, the parent has had enough and wants to go, so the child must comply. ‘Come on, we’re going now’, and try as it might but no amount of protest will stop the horrible thing happening to it - it doesn’t want to go. And the more it tries to assert its will, the more pain it suffers, something that is going to jeopardise its adult life, for every time it wants to do something it’s going to be afraid that it’s not going to be allowed to, or it might start enjoying itself but something will interfere making it have to stop. So what fun will life be; what fun is life now being dragged along by its mother. And all that terror and anger and pain and suffering will one day have to be acknowledged, brought out, and felt for what it truly is.
I feel like I’m still a baby or a young child. They are telling me what I can and can’t do all the time. I go into the supermarket and present myself as if I’m only three waiting for the ‘nice’ lady to speak to me, to ask me how I am. ‘How are you today’, she asks, and then I wait for my mother to tell me what to say, ‘Go on, tell the lady you’re good’, and so I do as I am told. ‘Good thanks’. And that’s the extent of my relationship with her, and it’s the same each time, I can’t say anything different - I don’t want to say anything different. I don’t even want to be in the supermarket; I don’t want to be speaking to a stranger; I don’t want to be with my mother who is always telling me what to say and when to say it. I want a different life, one in which I’m driving it - it’s all about and for me; and not one in which I am the passenger being taken along. I want to feel that I am a self-determined person, not someone who speaks on command saying all the learnt things to say. I want to have my own voice and not exist through the other person like my mother or grandmother. I want to connect and deal directly with the other person, not have to wait for the go-ahead from my mother. I want to be independent, not dependent. I want to be myself, the true and real me, not some pathetic parrot-person copying my mother. I want to be my age, fifty years old, and no longer three!
Your child will show what it wants and how it wants you to be with it.
If you allow it to.
If you allow it to.