love and self-love
Don’t feel loved?
No, that’s right, you shouldn’t feel loved.
You weren’t loved by your parents, so you don’t feel loved.
Were you loved by them, then you would feel loved.
No, that’s right, you shouldn’t feel loved.
You weren’t loved by your parents, so you don’t feel loved.
Were you loved by them, then you would feel loved.
What is a parent? A controller.
What is a child? The controlled.
Sad relationship isn’t it?
Where is the love, the unconditional acceptance, the balance and equality?
Why does it always have to be a power-play?
What is a child? The controlled.
Sad relationship isn’t it?
Where is the love, the unconditional acceptance, the balance and equality?
Why does it always have to be a power-play?
Love
Throughout this website I've said that all we feel as love is not love - not true love, and what I mean is that it's not love coming from the perfection of truth, that it is love coming from the imperfection of mind. And by this I mean, that as we are all conceived into a negative, anti-feeling state of mind, then all we call being love in this state is still conditioned and affected by this negative state. The love feelings themselves feel of love, but it’s how they are coming about that is what needs to be questioned and brought into focus. So it's 'tainted' love, if it could be called that. And perhaps in a way, it’s even ‘false love’. I grew up believing I felt love for my parents and was loved by them, but my healing has shown me otherwise. Through my feelings I’ve come to understand how this love was only based on beliefs I’d developed through my early life, leading me to understand that I only believed I loved them, even though the feelings of love felt very real. But I don’t love them, this I now know, and now that those beliefs have gone, and so too have the loving feelings. And even so much so, that now I don’t love them at all, even hating them at times as repressed anger surfaces in me because of how unlovingly they treated me. I did think for a time, well okay, so I didn’t love them completely, nor did they love me completely, whose parents do, however what about during the good times, when we all seemed to get on well and enjoyed being together. And isn’t it that, sure I love them and they love me, of course we love one another, we just have a few bad times together that’s all, but nothing to worry about, still they are my family and no one loves you like your family does, right? But as I’ve progressed through my healing, these good times too have come under the microscope, been heavily analysed, and their truth uncovered. And the truth hasn’t been good for the love. Because I’ve seen that even though these good times might have been fun and I was relatively happy, still overall I didn’t feel loved, overall I felt very bad, all of which I kept deeply buried. And as these hidden feelings have surfaced, so the so-called good times have faded being replaced with the truth of how I really did feel back then, all of which has led me to understand how strongly I contrived such good feelings and love. I desperately needed to, because I couldn’t tolerate the truth, that they didn’t love me and I didn’t feel loved. So I used all I could to pretend I loved them, and it was the same with my girlfriends as I grew older, and even with the little two-year old girl whose mother I lived with for a time. I felt I loved her more than anything I’d loved, but once again as such love came under the scrutinising truth of my feelings, it turned out that it was in fact love for myself that I was projecting onto the little girl, trying futilely to gain some love for myself. I was pathetically loving myself through her, as if I was my father and mother and she was me. So I’ve been able to see that love has not been something I really had any idea about. I thought it was love, it sure felt like love, but it’s all faded away as I’ve uncovered the truth of it, whereas real and true love, love founded and coming from truth, would have stayed, and if anything, only got stronger the more truth I sort of it. So none of what I have felt to be love for anyone in life has remained through my healing. The love I’ve felt for nature, for the little tropical fish I used to keep, all the little creatures that helped me through my early life has remained and got much stronger as I’ve come to understand how it was part of my life. So it’s not that this might happen to you, and all that you hold dear and consider to be true love turns out to be false love, but just to be aware that your feeling-healing might take you into areas of yourself that seem to contradict your beliefs and even your feelings. And if this happens it will cause you much grief, but as with any bad feelings - more to express and uncover the truth of. Over the years I’ve come to terms with not feeling loved by my parents, and as bad as I’ve felt at times, now I don’t feel so bad, that being on my better days. And I’ve come to see that all the love gaps and love holes in me caused by my parents love deprivation of me has steadily been filled up by my own self-love. Gradually I’ve come to feel so much better within myself, so much more on my side, and true. I also used to believe I was okay, but that belief is going as I’ve accepted I’m not okay, and the further I go in accepting my unloved state, the more I feel it’s okay - that actually I am okay, even though I wasn’t loved. It has not turned out to be the end of the world as I feared, I can still exist feeling unloved, for that’s what I’ve done all these years anyway. And as my relationship with Marion gets better the more I prefect myself, so as I said, love is growing inside me. But I also understand that until I’ve completed my whole healing, I won’t feel completely loved or be completely loving - but I’m looking forward to being that way and feeling such good feelings. Yesterday I was sitting in the cafe where I work watching parents with their young children, and mostly one would say that the children enjoyed being with their parents, felt loved by them, and the parents likewise enjoyed being with their children and loved them. The little boy was snuggling up to his father who was gently kissing him on his forehead and then he climbed into his father's lap to be totally ensconced in love. The father seemed very loving of his young son, the boy loving his father feeling secure and warm. However it was the deeper need the little boy had, what made him want to snuggle into his father, what bad feeling was making him do that, which was also apparent and which I was interested in. The boy had just been down fishing with me in the Rainforest Pool and had been having a good time once the family had settled into catching the fish, but still there was obviously something not right within him. Some part of him wasn't feeling loved - so why, and which part of him was it. And this is my point, that on the surface it all seems a happy nice and loving family, and I wished I could curl up in my father's lap and be loved and made to feel wanted like this little boy. From photographs of my family when I was too young to remember, I am close to my father, but as I have grown older and with what has come to light through my childhood repression healing, all that I thought was love and being loved by my parents was not love. It's was a... I don't know... perhaps a love of sorts... but I now know it wasn't a true love as my parents weren't truly and fully loving of me. So how will it be for this little boy as he grows up. And does he feel loved all the time. And what about those times when his father is mean to him, isn't loving, isn't all accepting of him. And what about when his father comes down hard on him controlling him and bringing him back into line. I had watched his father treating him this way around the fishing pool when they first arrived. And I could see the little boy resented being treated this way, feeling very bad and rejected and not loved by his father. So perhaps the boy was needing some loving reassurance form his father that he was still wanted, liked and loved. But whatever it is, their relationship wasn’t perfect between them. And perhaps a lot of parents aren't trying to love their children perfectly (or perhaps they believe they are; or, perhaps they are like my parents whom I doubt ever thought about it), striving only to do the 'best they can’, as they believe such perfection to be something unobtainable for them, even possibly a mere fantasy. And perhaps such parents are happy with this, that is what mine told me, and they seemed very pleased with themselves for 'how I turned out' happy that they were 'successful and did a good job’. Yet do I feel completely loved - no, I don't. And even if perfection doesn't matter to them, to me the imperfection hurts, it's crippling, and I hate and detest every one of those times when they rejected me and made me feel unloved. So from my subjective perspective and healing experiences I say that all we call love and think love to be is not real and true love, it's all conditioned by our unloving self-denying and self-rejecting state of being. One can be the most loving person and come from the most loving family, one in which you all love each other more than anything in the world, however it’s all still within a negative and unloving state of mind, and so somewhere inside such a lucky person there will still be bad feelings needing to be expressed and their truth sort. And that until we have fully healed all our unlovingness - all our childhood repression, having grown in truth to a level of love perfection as determined and expressed by that truth, then we won't feel loved - as loved as we can. And so until parents completely heal their childhood repression and then have children, which they will perfectly love being of a positive mind and will condition, I will keep on saying that the love this little boy felt for and from his father, is of course better than nothing, however it will still fall way short of all he really needs. And this will be borne out by his adult life as he grows up like we all have denying many of our feelings and being unable to freely and fully express ourselves. And because of this, how he was parented, his intimate relationships will be limited, not fully or truly loving, as will his relationships with his children if he has them. We are to find the truth of love, that is what our lives are about on a spiritual level. And whilst we’re living in an anti love and negative state of mind, then our first step is to find the truth of love we feel in this feeling denying condition of life. |
How your parents treat you is how life treats you... and how you treat yourself. And how you treat yourself is how you treat other people, nature and your own children.
We’re very quickly taught that it’s bad to feel bad - to show we’re feeling bad. No one wants to know if we’re feeling bad - our parents don’t want to know. No one wants bad feelings. We’re bad if we feel bad and bad things will happen to us. it’s all designed to keep us away from the truth of ourselves. That’s the evil we live in.
Forcing yourself to stop doing something is wrong if you want to heal what’s making you need to do it. Instead we have to add it to our powerlessness, accepting we need to do it, expressing all the fear about it if we were forced to give it up. Forcing yourself against your feelings, what your true feeling self feels, is wrong, very wrong and does so much damage.
As soon as the child starts doing it for itself, it should be allowed to do it for itself. The parent should only be there for it, to help it when it needs help, when it shows, when it asks, not forcing its ‘help’ on it, not controlling it in any way. The child pushes its parents away when it wants more independence, which is a good sign, and not one to be taken as it rejecting its parents. However so many parents feel rejected by their child when it behaves like this, misinterpreting its actions, because they are so desperately needing the child to show it loves them, as they are so devoid of love - their own true self-love. And love they would have had, had their parents truly loved them.
The parent shouldn’t do anything for its child unless the child appeals to it. It if does make the child do things it doesn’t want to do, then the parent is stopping the child’s will from naturally expressing itself and fully coming into being. No one on our world fully expresses their will truly as parents, even the least interfering ones interfered with their child's will development.
As soon as we stop, all our yuk comes up. We can’t sit around doing nothing. The Aborigines sat around, they didn’t have all the same yuk we do, and they were happy. . We don’t sit around and we’re unhappy. We’re too afraid to stop.
Our parents made us be concerned with them, and not ourselves, to put them first. We grow up being bombarded by the concerns and appeals for help from others, and feeling guilty if we don’t comply. We are even told it’s wrong to remain only concerned with ourselves - with our own soul.
We have to see how bad it is, how bad we are, and hate it 100%, before we can let it go.
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If you can’t say fuck off mum, fuck off dad, it’s because you’re still desperately needing them to love you.
Love and being Gay
What if you’re gay, how does that affect the healing of your childhood repression? If you want to uncover the truth of yourself, it doesn’t matter whether you’re straight or gay, the same feeling-healing principles will apply. And within your relationship you can help each other to express feelings you may be denying, all so you can uncover the truth of them. I can’t speak from any personal gay experience, and my healing has all been done with Marion, but there are few points that have become apparent to us concerning same sex relationships that I’d like to mention here. Many people, straight or gay want to be their true selves and many feel they are. Marion and I have read about some gay women who were sacred to ‘come out’ fearing they’d be ridiculed, rejected by their families, even lose their jobs. And so have had to effectively life two lives, their private hidden secretive one, and the ‘acceptable’ one the put on for the world. And then at some point in their lives they’ve reached the point of coming out and dam the consequences, and having told the world, feel incredibly happy and loved, even respected, the very opposite of what they were afraid of. And then in their ‘new life’ they feel very happy being how they’ve always longed to be, being free to express their true selves, just how they’ve always felt. And it’s this ‘true self’ I want to comment on. Because no matter who much we might believe and even feel, irrespective of whether we’re straight or gay, that we are our true self, we can’t be, because we’re living in an untrue state of mind. And we still have our untruth to heal through healing our childhood repression. Another point I want to make is that many gay people feel they were born that way, it having nothing consciously to do with them, and no matter how hard they might have tired to change themselves, they can’t stop being gay. So is this true, or have they still become gay because of their relationship with their parents. It is all to do with their parental relationships or is it something to do with genes and nature. The spiritual theory is as follows: we have a soul-mate, a soul having two personality expressions, one expressing the masculine the other the feminine. So being the feminine expression of your soul, one day, be it on Earth or in spirit, you will unite with your masculine other half, and vice versa if you’re masculine now. So if you are gay, you will at some point ‘heal’ being gay, so you can unite with the opposite sex - your other soul-half. So I would imagine that through the healing of your childhood repression, as with everything that we are, you will come to see the whole truth of why you are gay. And the further you grow in truth, the less interested in sex (whether you’re gay or straight) you will become, instead appreciating more the interaction of two personalities - just being together and expressing all your feelings to each other. And in the end, it is between the male and female that we can stimulate such personality expression to the highest degree, as we’ll all experience once we’re fully united with our soul-mate. And if you are gay, that thought, to unite with someone of the opposite sex might appal you, and I can understand that, however were you to do your childhood repression healing, by the time you were to finish it, you’d be very different from how you are now. So yes, I would have to conclude that being gay is only a product of your forming years, and even though you feel you couldn’t be straight, that’s right, for that’s how you’ve formed. But in doing your healing you’ll heal all such causes that have led you to being gay as you uncover the truth of them through your feelings. And so it’s conceivable you’ll give up being gay, however ironically it might be that you do most of your healing, even all of it, with your gay partner, because being in that relationship you are able to easily express your feelings better to each other. But I don’t really know, I’m only guessing. And even though it might make you want to put you off doing your healing because you don’t want to consider that being gay might be wrong and only a product of your upbringing and relationship with your parents, and the last thing you want is having to face the possibly of ending your relationship with your current partner, still if that were to happen, the changes would be gradual and by the time you came to make them, it would be the direction you wanted to go in, because it would be how you were feeling based on the truth you were evolving and becoming. So you wouldn’t have to make any rash decision, this applying to all we do through our healing. It all works for us, slowly, so we can make the necessary changes as required, we’re not forced or pushed into anything. And the last point I want to make is: is it wrong to be gay. And even though in the greater scheme of things it is living untrue, and so wrong, that’s not to say that being heterosexual is living a good, true and better life. Being straight is just as wrong as begin gay, neither is better than the other, they are both wrong because all we do and all we are in our unloving feeling-denying states is wrong. All straight relationships are based on untruth and fantasy, they are all wrong, and there is just as much chance of them breaking up if you start to live true to all your feelings as a gay relationship breaking up. So it’s not about whether it’s right or wrong to be straight or gay, and for that matter, to be an alcoholic or not be one, a drug addict or not be one, a happily married person or not be happily married, have four wives or six partners at once or just be with one person your whole life, as it’s all wrong, and everyone needs to do their childhood repression healing. So it all comes back to your feelings, as you will see through your healing, as you can’t escape them. And as we have no idea how we’ll feel about things ahead of time, we can change, our feelings can change at any time. And as you grow in truth, I do know your whole being, your whole you, gradually changes. How you see yourself, the world, God and nature; how you see and relate to everything, changes. And things that are untrue leave you, all such beliefs and behaviour, and you take on true ones. And so whether we’re straight or gay, all that we are is going to come under close inspection, all to see how we feel in every aspect of it. So all you love and hate, you will go into your healing looking to uncover the truth of, and if it proves that how you relate to it is false and untrue, you will want to let it go because it will make you feel bad; and if true, you’ll naturally want to keep it as it will make you feel good. And as I’ve said, you change, so things you loved at one point and could never see yourself giving up; things that you thought would always be a part of your life, you might, if they are based on false love and your need to have them to keep you denying your true self by running away from bad feelings, suddenly start to feel not so good about. And gradually you’ll wake up and realise the truth of your relationship with them, and let them go as you no longer feel good about them. And if your intention is to become true, to seek nothing but the truth so far as your soul and God knows is the truth; and whether your are gay or straight, you’ll be led by your soul and through your feelings to such truth. And when you are healed, all how you have been will make sense all based on how it was for you through your forming years. You’ll see the whole picture. And that’s what you have to want to see. To see the whole truth of yourself. |
It’s all very well being told by someone like myself that all you feel and believe love to be is false. You’ve got to come to such truth for yourself and in your own time.
We look at ourselves as our parents looked at us. And especially our mother as she was with us the most. We look in their eyes as if they are the mirror and we’re looking at ourselves. If they, the mirror say (and you are then saying such things to yourself through them): stop being that way, go away leave me alone, not now, stop bothering me, you’re a pest, you’re ugly, you’re bad, look at the mess you’re making, oh no, not again..., then that’s how you’ll see yourself, it’s how you believe you are. If however the ‘live’ mirror says: I want you as you are, I respect and accept you exactly as you are, I love you as you are, you’re good, and, I wouldn’t want you any other way, then that’s how you’ll feel about yourself and your place in the world.
As you accept how fucked you are, allowing yourself to feel and express your bad feelings, then the more you are actually truly loving yourself. People who feel good about themselves yet are still heavily denying their bad feelings and so a large part of themselves - who aren’t expressing themselves truly - aren’t truly self-loving. Like everything, it’s the opposite to what you’ve been taught.
We should all be always shitting ourselves, scared of the horror we’ve made life to be. Those people who feel in control and the world is a great place are seriously deluded. We have to open our eyes and embrace the horror.
We have to please them so they’ll like us - our parents. If we don’t they won’t and we feel we don’t exist. And then we’ll also be punished for not being nice and pleasing. It’s all for them, nothing is for us.
You have to be stripped back to being just your compulsions, the real horrible traumatised you, and understand why you have them. And when you are them fully, when you're fully connected on a feeling level to them - then they can go.
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Dear mum, I’m sorry for all the problems I caused you when I was growing up - now I’m a parent, I understand how horrible children are. Now I understand and can forgive you for not loving me as I needed to be loved. Now I can understand why my whole life has been a mess and why none of my relationships have worked. And now mum, I understand that you shouldn’t have had children, that I’d be much better off as would me own children had I not been subjected to the likes of you as my children would be had they not been subjected to the likes of me. Thank you mum for all you did for me.
Self-love
Speaking about your feelings, all of them, and especially your bad ones, is the greatest act of self love you can do, particularly when it's combined with the intention of uncovering the truth of why you're feeling them. Speaking about all you feel is loving. And it's the giving to yourself the love you have been so denied. Your parents, your family situation, your early life, didn't allow you to express all of yourself, all you felt, freely, and that which you weren't allowed to express you suppressed making it in time into what is called your childhood repression. Your childhood repression is simply all that remains in you, beginning with your first moment at conception, that is still waiting to be expressed, all that you are stopping yourself from doing, keeping it all in, keeping it all repressed. We are all repressed. We all live in varying degrees of feeling repression from our early life. No one is truly liberated in their self-expression, our negative state of mind and will prevents us from being so. And all that is locked away repressed inside you is hurting you, it's causing you great pain. And the longer you keep it inside together with the more you add to it through your adult life, the worse it will become for you. And in the end no longer will you be able to keep it all nicely out of the way, and so it will start to show. And everything in your life that is making you feel bad is doing so to help you see and feel what you are refusing to see and feel. By stopping yourself from expressing any bad feeling is not loving, it's anti-self, self-rejecting - ant-love. And it represents that part of you that you feel is not wanted, that part your parents didn't want. And so to love yourself, to be fully self-loving, you need to allow yourself to express all the bad feelings you feel. To bring it all out and not keep it all in. To want all this hidden you - to become fully ‘self-wanting’. As we come into being we express our evolving and emerging personality attributes. We reach out into the world expecting to be wanted and love, expecting to connect with those who are there looking after us. And we need their positive feedback, so we can gain such positive identity in the world. But if they reject us, don’t love us, don’t want to know all of us, then we don’t know what to do. And we feel very scared, we even panic throwing tantrums because we’re so scared of not being able to keep expressing ourselves in life as we need to. It’s as if some part of our personality is getting cut off, we’ve all heard those ear-piercing screams of a young child, when in those terrible moments it is being made to face possible annihilation, feeling so utterly alone, unwanted and very unloved. It’s a crisis time in that child’s life, and by then it’s way to late to rectify the damage done. Any child should never reach that point or any of the points of feeling bad. All children should only ever feel completely loved, all so they can completely express and bring themselves into being. It’s all what we so need, we’re all carving for. And it’s all there still waiting to happen as we unlock and let out of prison all those parts of ourselves we were made to feel were bad and needed punishing. By letting your repressed feelings out, you are coming back to yourself, that little you who has been in such terrible pain for so long, and you’re saying it’s okay now, you are wanted - I want you. You can come out into the world, I am here for you. I will love and project you, have no fear little one, I am with you. Hearing yourself say all how you feel is you coming and being the loving parent to yourself, being how your parents should have been with you, loving you so much by wanting to hear all you had to say. And by expressing your feelings to your friend, you are saying all how you feel to the world, giving yourself to the world, to the world that was your family who your friend is now replacing. And as your friend accepts you and looks to understand you, encouraging you to keep expressing all you feel, so it’s as if your family is with you being as they should have been, as the whole world overjoyed to hear all you had to say loving every moment of your existence. For many of us, we've been heavily indoctrinated in one way or the other so that we MUST keep it all in, push it away, all the bad yuk feeling stuff, to keep it out of sight. And to, 'never speak about such things’, is the best way for all to deal with it. But it's not the best way for yourself. And it's yourself you have to look after, leaving others to take care of themselves. So it's for yourself that you need to say ALL you feel ALL the time, this being you taking care of yourself. To keep it all in, all the bad stuff you feel, is going to kill you. It's keeping all your poison, all the pollution, inside you. Feelings are to be expressed, that's why we have them, they are the active part of our self-expression, they all want to come out. Young children before they are stopped from expressing all they feel want to speak it all out, they don't want to keep in anything, and can't. They are only forced to: 'stop crying', 'you're too old for all that now', 'it's not that bad, it was only a little ...' and so on, all shutting them down keeping the lid on their feelings - which is all shutting them down keeping a lid on themselves. When really they should be encouraged to go the other way and yell and scream the house down if that is how they feel - BECAUSE THEY ARE FEELING THAT WAY! Bad feelings are GOOD, we feel them to show us something is not right within us. And if we deny them, then all that's not right will never become right, and it will fester away inside us forever causing us all sorts of other bad feelings. Bad feeling suppression and repression causes more bad feelings to be then be suppressed and then repressed, which in turn cause even more bad feelings to be suppressed and then repressed. An endless cycle until you’ve got no more room inside you to fit them all in. So if you truly want to do something to help yourself, to be kind and caring of yourself - to love yourself, then I would suggest seriously considering trying to speak about - and if you can, seek the truth of - all your bad feelings. And eventually to even allow such bad feelings to take you into all those hidden repressed ones bringing them out and speaking about them too. Doing your feeling-healing is one long act of self-love. It’s a process, it takes its time as there is a hell of a lot about yourself you’ll need to see. And step by step you will inch your way closer to feeling better and better about yourself - ever more loving. Doing your feeling-healing is the greatest act of self-love you can do for yourself. |
We do to others what was done to us. We can’t do otherwise.
You might say you don’t want to be evil but really you do, because if you didn’t, you wouldn’t be it. Our healing shows us those parts of ourselves we believe we do want, so we can truly feel how they make us feel. And when we feel no, that doesn’t make us feel good anymore, realising it never actually did; and when we understand why, then we naturally want to stop doing such things to ourselves, and so we do. So we choose not to be evil as we chose to be evil. Only when we chose to be evil we were too young and influenced to know what we were getting ourselves into. We chose it but it was choices we really didn’t have much of a say in, we had to go along with and do as our parents and society said. And so we can as adults now choose to keep on living this way or choose to do our healing and get ourselves out of our yuk.
YOU, can only know how you feel. NO ONE ELSE!
You were made to give up yourself, your feelings, and to put yourself in them, your parents. So you think they feel bad when it’s your own feeling projection, you can’t know how anyone feels. And you believe, because they made you, that if you do the wrong thing they’ll be unhappy, but it’s only because you think you’d be unhappy if you were treated that way.
It was a landmark years ago to realise that I was disconnected from my feelings, and so too from other people and all life. Now years on I’m pulling it all apart to see what it actually means - how I am. This providing me with a constant source of self-revelation.
I feel miserable and down again today. I just want to hide, pull in, comfort myself. I don’t want to have anything to do with anyone. I want to be alone as that’s how I feel. That’s how my carers made me feel, it’s how my parents made me feel, it’s how I am.
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The illusion you live in is seeing life through your beliefs and not seeing that which you can ONLY see through your feelings.
Our whole existence in our self-denying states is one big fantasy.
We, are the Great Pretenders.
Our whole existence in our self-denying states is one big fantasy.
We, are the Great Pretenders.